The Place I Call Home

Moving On

2010-02-28T01:38:00.003+08:00

Hi everyone, I'm leaving blogger, simply because it's time for change and renewal.

I'll be updating tumblr and synching it with twitter more often now.

So go here: liveinfaithhopelove.tumblr.com

It's a brand new start! :)

Faith

2010-02-25T00:54:00.004+08:00

If you have the faith in God to save your soul from the pits of hell, that He has redeemed you from all your sin - how could you then, not have the faith to believe that in Him all things are possible?

~~Lord, enlarge my faith.~~
Lord, teach me how to be faithful in the small things, I want to learn this and learn this well, thank you for all that you've done! Amen:)

Evotional.com

2010-02-23T01:28:00.000+08:00

Evotional.com

2009-10-31T20:15:00.001+08:00

HI EVERYBODY IT'S CRUNCH TIME WOOOOOOO

SEPTEMBER by Earth Wind and Fire

2009-10-25T08:03:00.000+08:00

This video has everything that makes happiness!

See if you can spot:
1) A xylaphone
2) Cheek-slapping
3) A dancing grandma
4) A Puppet conversation
5) A reallyy cute talented couple

HAHA I LOVE POMPLAMOOSE THEY'RE SO AWESOME:) You should really go check out the rest of their videos. I'm convinced they're music geniuses of the modern age.

The Fire by Nate Pfeil

2009-10-19T21:31:00.001+08:00

I've had this posted on Facebook, Tumblr, sent it to both NTU cells and now, this blog.

Whoever you are that sees this, my hope is that this will reach as many people as you can possibly send it to. When I say people, I mean anyone. If it spoke to you, it will speak to anyone, because the Truth, through His Word, speaks to the very core of our being. It resonates within us with an uncanny familiarity, a yearning for a home that we have yet to see and touch.

It still convicts me every single time I watch it. My spirit mourns my life's actions. I acknowledge that God is my judge.

How could I possibly, judge anyone else's life? How could I possibly be selfish with my affection, when He went through that unbearable pain to display His great love for all of us?

There is nothing you can do that will take away the glory of God. It will come.

What will our hearts be like, on that day?

Be still

2009-10-19T11:05:00.002+08:00

Psalm 27:13-14

¹³ I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

I love you.

Tumblr-ing After You

2009-10-19T01:13:00.003+08:00

I know I've been writing less, but God has never been more real in my life.

Today, I believe the church has taken a bold step to be relevant to this generation, and I truly want in. This is simply a declaration of a strong sense of destiny to see Him glorified in all things, for these are the last days and we're living on borrowed time.

If there has ever been a time to rise up and say without fear that this is the Truth of this generation, it is now.

The time has come to act upon the promises of old and to live fully governed by the Spirit. Do you not feel His heartbeat? Do you not sense its reverberation through the nations? Do you not see His destiny for your life? It is already here - choose Him and his burning righteousness.

In one day, I've seen the church dare to push boundaries to leverage on the connectivity technology brings to declare His Word. And to think I wanted to step down during this period. I've also seen a broken generation under us, needing a light in the darkness. And what were my thoughts? Oh it's too difficult to reach them because it would upset the fine racial/religious balance in this multicultural society we so dearly call home. It's easier to do His work under the umbrella of a Christian organisation instead of ploughing the hardened fields for Him.

It it were easy, why then do we have to be called? There would be no need for sacrifice, there would be no need for burdened prayer and we would all just be very comfortable in nice furnished houses with clean running water and four meals a day fattening our bodies and starving our spirits.

Lord if this is the revival, then for me, it has come.

letlifelive.tumblr.com

Physical Health

2009-10-14T01:12:00.007+08:00

The realisation that the true root of falling sick is the lack of attention to your spiritual health is REALLY humbling.

If I back-track a little to the start of the semester, train rides were nice peaceful times. I'd do some readings, read a Christian book and the Bible. I'd get the occasional essay done. I'd be happy spending my time on the train. Everything was then, still physically manageable.

Now I try not to think about what I'd do with that 1 hour on the train. Sometimes I'd even PREFER spending $25 cabbing to school for that extra 1.5hrs of sleep. Basically it almost translates to God I'd rather sleep in than dedicate that time on the train to you - just you and me time - time that I'd know you'd use if I'd just listen. So now I'd rather SLEEP?

Something's not right, somewhere. What happened to WANTING God? So God, to make a practical decision for you, I hereby self-declare a TAXI BAN.

On a side note, I should really be more ruthless with my time. Making the trip to town to get the car from Dad's office and driving to school so that I can drive back from a late meeting saves me 1.5hours. That's a lot. It makes all the difference!

Note to self: Get the car more often. Or somehow God, provide me a car. -beams- Driving is good God-time too:)

Seeing

2009-10-10T01:00:00.005+08:00

Singapore Lights Timelapse from Weehan Yeo on Vimeo.

Seeing things through God's eyes is just a matter of perspective. We are all but a small part of something far greater than ourselves. What are the chances of meeting a particular person, then to be given the continuous "chance" of reconnecting over separate occasions and eventually leading them to the Truth?

Meetings are but points of light. Don't miss it.

[Be still, and know that I am God.]

The Holy Spirit

2009-10-04T04:15:00.004+08:00

This to me, is the greatest proof of God: that I have a full relationship with Him.

John 14:15-21
¹⁵"If you love me, you will obey what I command. ¹⁶And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— ¹⁷the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. ¹⁸I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. ¹⁹Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. ²⁰On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. ²¹Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him."

Here is another passage that parallels the message of the Holy Spirit and the very character of God:

1 John 4:7-16
⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. ¹¹Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. ¹²No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

¹³We know that we live in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. ¹⁴And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. ¹⁵If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. ¹⁶And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

And that is why faith is a journey, because faith grows.

Words

2009-09-27T21:13:00.004+08:00

I realised today, that if my words do not carry the weight of what my life represents, then my words mean nothing at all.

If my actions have not already put across the message intended, then the words I use in attempt to push the weight of my message will always fall short.

It is done, will always be more valuable than it will be done.

The Armour of God

2009-09-19T16:02:00.003+08:00

Ephesians 6:10-18

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

We're all familiar with this passage. The body of Christ is an army, and sometimes we forget the weight we carry and our responsibility to protect each other in the faith.

I've been praying a lot for myself recently, because prayer is acknowledging and drawing from His love and His power in all circumstances. After reading verse 18, directly juxtaposed with putting on the armor of God, I realised that on a daily basis, prayer is not just for myself. As a cell leader, prayer is not part of my duty. It is a commandment and responsibility to cover my cell members in His protection daily. As a brother-in-Christ to everyone around me, I first equip myself with the armour of God and pray for the Lord's people.

What good would equipping yourself do when you don't exercise the authority bestowed upon you to fight for the Kingdom?

I believe the Word of God, the sword of the Spirit, and Prayer and the two most powerful weapons we have as Christians. Sharpen your sword and claim victory in the spiritual realm daily, because the Lord has already empowered us to.

Be in it but not of it

2009-09-04T02:39:00.002+08:00

Wow. And I just saw this. Praise God! His timing is absolutely perfect.

Darls, for all that we've been praying for, an increased capacity and a heart for people; I think tonight, God answered that prayer in the most incredible way. Thank you for praying for and with me. I love you.

INTJ

2009-09-04T02:31:00.003+08:00

And just for fun, I did the test again and... it's EXACTLY the same. The percentages didn't even change much, still pretty extreme haha.

Obedience

2009-09-04T01:51:00.003+08:00

I praise God for allowing me this opportunity.

At 1am today, God moved, chains were broken and a friend of mine came to know Christ. All this happened at a playground near my place.

I almost missed the opportunity. I was on a bus, on my way home from school. It was already 12.30am. I could have just gone home to rest instead of staying to talk to him. But my spirit was tugging at me and I decided, for once in a long time, that I would choose to love someone who just needed a friend.

Obey. That was all I needed to do and God did the rest. He gave me the words. He gave me the courage to pray for him. He gave me the discernment to know what to ask and say. He came all the way down to be with someone who was struggling to find his purpose in life. He cupped His hands to cushion us and to cradle our fall. He who created this universe loved an individual life so deeply and personally.

He knows everything at the same time. You cannot limit God. He is unfathomable. He is omnipotent, omniscient. He cannot be described in full.

We cannot even confine God with the our pitiful attempts at describing His mysterious orchestration. Beautiful coincidence, chance, happenstance, luck, cosmic forces. Words will never be able to encapsulate His absolute sovereignty.

Even now, I am in awe of what God has done today. Throughout the day He was preparing me for that moment. I couldn't see it then. It is always in retrospect that we see God's hand. We're way too slow for Him. Haha.

So praise God. All glory to our Almighty God, for He loves. We thank you Lord, for all You've done in our lives. Amen.

Partly Cloudy

2009-08-31T02:47:00.001+08:00

This was probably my favourite part of "Up"! Haha. In any case, I enjoyed the entire film.

Hope you manage to watch this before youtub.e takes this down! Haha.

I Love You

2009-08-24T01:03:00.007+08:00

You know, when Charlene and I decided to make the Lord of our lives the center of our relationship, I thought that's all we needed to do. Sure, we'd have our disagreements, but to me those were never threatening, because I always had the confidence of pushing through those patches because God was the center. As long as we both acknowledged that again, God would provide and it'd be ok.

It was until just now that I realised I really didn't know how to love her. I totally lost sight of her heart. Getting to this point of being in a relationship isn't the destination. Her heart, is.

Having the assurance of God being the center of this relationship gave me a confidence in the strength of "us". It was so much easier for me to trust in the strength God lends to this relationship than to dare to love her as a person. To me it was simple, if I kept our focus on God, I would never be disappointed because He is perfect. If I loved her person, I would easily be hurt because we're all human and imperfect.

Just as we pursue the heart of God as an expression of our love to Him, I realised I needed to do that for Charlene as well.

It's definitely harder in a long distance relationship. SMS and email "I love you"s are easy. It's when I find those words leaving my lips that I realise how much heavier they weigh each time I say them to her, because each time they mean that much more in conviction.

I believe for me to learn how to love again, to have a heart and compassion for people, I need to stop hiding my heart behind God's. He is my shield, my strength, portion and deliverer (so that I will never have to get hurt). It's like you see how Christ reaches out to those who need love, and you observe Him in full. It's really easy to do that isn't it? Then when He motions to you to do the same, to give of yourself, you just go: that's too hard for me. I think I'll just pray from behind the lines. I've got to change that.

Over the past 6 months, being with Charlene has changed my perspectives on so many things. She has challenged me to be more than I am, pointing me towards what God made me to be. She's showed me the mercy and grace of Christ in His love, in kindness and gentleness. She so passionately pursues the heart of God. To me, she is love.

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This for us, has meant so much over the years. And I believe that right now, we're living in that hope and future that God has to bring.

And this, is God's promise for me during this season.

1 Thessalonians 1:3³We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

It is not the other way round.
We don't strive to produce faith, labour without love, nor endure to create hope. Our work, everything we labour over and the endurance we receive from God is birthed from faith, hope and love.

So darls, I love you. Wherever God leads, and whatever that brings, I will always love you. :)

If My Words Abide in You

2009-08-14T21:15:00.001+08:00

Here's a message to encourage and challenge you guys: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2009/3483_If_My_Words_Abide_in_You/

It's 45mins long so download the video if you can't stream it. Let us wield the power of His word daily! :)

1 Peter 1:22-25
²²Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. ²³For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. ²⁴For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, ²⁵but the word of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you.

The Truth compels.

3-point Sermon

2009-08-10T22:48:00.006+08:00

Just came back from HighLife Leader's Retreat! I don't think I've actually allowed God to move like this in me and through me, ever.

Simply put, my entire room overslept the last morning. Worship was supposed to start at 8.30am, we woke up at 8.35am. My alarm didn't go off! And apparently none of their alarms went off either. I woke up rather shaken, partially because of the fact we overslept, but I felt it was more because something was yet to be reconciled in my spirit.

It was because I woke up praying in tongues that night (didn't take note of the time but it was probably 2-3am) and didn't know why. This wasn't the first time, it has happened at home before. So when I woke up and found out we all overslept, the first thing I did was to ask my room-mates if they felt anything strange that night. Wee Kiat said he heard prayer in tongues and I was like Haha, that was me. But other than that everything seemed alright.

So by the time all three of us washed up and went down for worship it was 8.50am. They didn't start yet. So I managed to talk to Esther, and told her about how I thought it was strange that I woke up in the middle of the night praying in tongues. Then she was quite surprised and said that she dreamt of me praying for her that same night.

I was like, Oh... No wonder! Well for me, that was resolved, I understood why I was praying! Intercession, even in sleep.

I still felt pretty bad about being late, I decided I would apologise to everyone given the chance. And it was pretty timely that Ps Chye Aik asked me to pray before the session started. So as I was praying... I just couldn't include an apology. It was pretty weird because I very much wanted to. I was simply unable to. The words didn't seem to want to leave my mouth. So after that, I went back to my seat and started praying, through worship.

I apologised to God, albeit allowing the excuse that it was because my alarm didn't go off, and wondered why I couldn't make the public apology. Then He gave me the first point of a short sermon.

1) You cannot declare anything before anyone if you haven't first declared it before me.

I was in shock, like goosebumps-shock. I said okay I understand this now. So I continued my dialogue with God.

God I'm sorry for being late and everything... I feel especially bad since the whole camp was about leadership and I know it doesn't reflect well on all of us who were late too.

He then revealed point 2.

2) Fear God, not man.

It was then I began to ask myself: Why did I want to make a public apology in the first place? In my duty as a leader? To protect whose image? To increase whose standing? Mine in terms of respect? It was then I fully understood I had grieved Him in not just my lack of discipline, but also in my motives of giving an apology. It wasn't for His glory, it was for mine, and that is why I couldn't apologise during the opening prayer.

He showed me the last point, saying,

3) Do not justify your apology with reasons or excuses. Apologise because you have grieved me.

Wow. I finally understood how I needed to position myself before Him. Whatever my commission or omission, no matter the circumstance, willingly or not, I grieved the heart of God. This lesson was in a much larger context for me. Whether I like it or not, I am a sinner by nature, not by circumstance nor by choice. And I must repent before God.

So I asked God, what do I do, now that I know all this?

He asked me to speak to Ps Chye Aike, just as worship was ending so that I could address everyone, and say what He just told me.

I don't know if it came out of my mouth as I have written, but nevertheless, I obeyed and did it. And I know that it was God who was glorified this morning. It wasn't me. And I know God did a work in me that I will never be able to learn elsewhere or at another time. It was a moment of obedience and I will always remember it.

I learnt alot from the leaders around me. And I thank God for putting me in a group of like-minded individuals whom I have a totally new respect for. Thank you for letting me start the new semester like this Lord.

I will always remember to come before You first, before speech or action is respectively given or taken.

All glory to God.

Amen.

Love

2009-08-03T16:14:00.002+08:00

Love is Not a Fight by Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

Summer Break Photo Updates

2009-08-03T02:18:00.020+08:00

Alright, here's a photo summary of the past month or so! Enjoy:)

Melbourne: 26th June - 6th July
This is the Eng's wonderful home! Spent two great weeks with them. Thanks for your hospitality, Uncle Nick and Aunty Hui Min!

First outing along the coast of Frankston bay. This was at Frankston Pier with Uncle Nick, Aunty Hui Min and Charmian. Charlene had to study for a paper the next day.

Somewhere along the trek up Point Napean. Reminded me of the cross.

Aunty Hui Min and Charmian on some steps in the Fort Napean locality.

In the tunnels of Fort Napean! Haha think this candid shot turned out really nice.

With Stephen and Fiona!

And this is their daughter, Kristabel, who reminds me of Nat when she was much younger haha.

Along the Great Ocean Road with the Eng family!

The Eng family at one of the lighthouses along the Great Ocean Road.

Lighthouse, being a lighthouse.

Charlene and I with some of the Apostles.

Some of the dwindling number of Apostles due to the strong winds and corrosion.

Puffing Billy!

Us:)

Cool bridges!

7th - 11th July. Okay this was in Sydney. Camera was on tungsten mode but interesting effect haha.

Guylian Cafe! Really good chocolate shake.

Check out the chocolate cake and ice cream man. Haha.

Us and the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

Hillsong Conference 2009!

12th - 19th July. Max Brenner's back in Melbourne City. Chocolate shot to remember hahaha. ;)

The Engs with Mr Snowman on Mt Baw Baw. :) My first time seeing snow!

Happy dude.

After a nice windy barbie at Albert Park with Alex and Collette.

So that's a short summary of the Melbourne trip! Back to sunny Singapore!

Fellow Reds at the National Stadium.

New black away kit! :)

Sean and Zhengxin.

Fernando Torres is in there somewhere.
Ended 5-0 to Liverpool!

Off to Campus Crusade for Christ FOC!

BB Campsite at Sembawang.

Sermon time!

Group discussions.

Awesome bunch of people:) NTU for Christ!

Frisbee:)

Group games haha.

Jon!

We're not praying, it's a game. Haha.

Lol

Curtain Call.

My group!

Well I've been busy with mostly meeting up with people, catching up before school catches up with us. And I've been really ministered to the last month, from various people, divine appointments, and just being able to live surrendered to God is a privilege. :) I do hope and pray I won't be swayed or distracted going back to school. NTU for Christ! NTUC. :)

Hiatus?

2009-08-03T00:16:00.004+08:00

zoetia๑ nick: are u still blogging?
nick zoetia๑: not much
nick zoetia๑: because...
nick zoetia๑: hmm
zoetia๑ nick: a hiatus is good for you
zoetia๑ nick: i feel
nick zoetia๑: how so
zoetia๑ nick: like i kinda sensed it but i didnt know why
nick zoetia๑: i found my soul mate.
zoetia๑ nick: huh
nick zoetia๑: like
nick zoetia๑: i used to find that in blogging, there was this phantom audience i wrote to
nick zoetia๑: it's not to God, for He knows my thoughts
nick zoetia๑: and since I've found her (again), that need to pen down my thoughts disappeared.
nick zoetia๑: it's like i can share my deepest feelings/thoughts with her.
zoetia๑ nick: i am melting
zoetia๑ nick: wah lao very romantic
nick zoetia๑: hahaha really meh
nick zoetia๑: but it's true what
zoetia๑ nick: omg
nick zoetia๑: it's almost like blogging for me was a call, a call out to that someone who could receive it.
zoetia๑ nick: wow
nick zoetia๑: and after you find her she's your canvas.
nick zoetia๑: but i truly mean this haha
zoetia๑ nick: OMG
zoetia๑ nick: meltz again
zoetia๑ nick: "she's my canvas"
zoetia๑ nick: i mean the only person who has ever been so romantic is Jesus
zoetia๑ nick: your girlfriend is SO BLESSEd

nick zoetia๑: maybe i should copy and paste this somewhere
nick zoetia๑: HAHAHA
nick zoetia๑: on my blog.
nick zoetia๑: haha the irony.
zoetia๑ nick: yar u shd
zoetia๑ nick: u shd actually
zoetia๑ nick: remember that
zoetia๑ nick: and put it on ur wedding montage
zoetia๑ nick: "shes my canvas"
zoetia๑ nick: this is a movie line
zoetia๑ nick: to be
nick zoetia๑: HAHAHA
nick zoetia๑: ohman seriously
nick zoetia๑: but well i did come up with something off Good Will Hunting recently.
nick zoetia๑: but you see, whatever i write she already knows.
nick zoetia๑: so i'd rather just talk to her haha
zoetia๑ nick: melts again
zoetia๑ nick: omg
zoetia๑ nick: my goosebumps

The Search

2009-07-29T01:55:00.006+08:00

A scene from Good Will Hunting:

Sean: Thought about what you said to me the other day, about my painting. Stayed up half the night thinking about it. Something occurred to me... fell into a deep peaceful sleep, and haven't thought about you since. Do you know what occurred to me?
Will: No.
Sean: You're just a kid, you don't have the faintest idea what you're talkin' about.
Will: Why thank you.
Sean: It's all right. You've never been out of Boston.
Will: Nope.
Sean: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "Once more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much. And look at you... I don't see an intelligent, confident man... I see a cocky, scared s***less kid. But you're a genius Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my f****** life apart. You're an orphan right?
[Will nods]
Sean: You think I know the first thing about how hard your life has been, how you feel, who you are, because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally... I don't give a s*** about all that, because you know what, I can't learn anything from you, I can't read in some f****** book. Unless you want to talk about you, who you are. Then I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't want to do that do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say.

Your move, chief.

-----

I watched Good Will Hunting many years ago, and I just watched it again. Save for the strong, crude language, along with Braveheart, A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man and Gladiator, it remains a classic for me because it unravels all aspects of the search for the masculine heart. They all share common elements that make up the core of the male being.

There's always the search for a purpose greater than oneself, be it God-ordained, resisting circumstantial adversity, or simply the courage to stand up for a set of values or beliefs; all men need a reason to fight.

To unlock that potential in him, there is always a mentor, or father-figure who will bestow that belief in his capabilities. Masculinity cannot be earned, it must be bestowed by another respected male.

And of course, there is the Woman, who will inspire him when all seems lost and to be his council and support. She is his soul-mate, who provides for his moments of deep vulnerability, and lifts him up in a capacity no one else possesses.

The discovery of love has you feel the most intense joy, and the deepest pain. And if God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, and if we claim that we love because He first loved us, is it possible that we are totally spared the sacrifice of love that He first had to give?

We give of ourselves to another, in speech, in thought, in our actions and in representing our beliefs and values. We learn that love carries responsibilities to another.

Love is ultimately a call to purity, firstly before God and then to one another.

Father God, reveal more of Yourself to us each day, so that we may fully understand who we are made to be, because we are all made in Your image. Grant us the wisdom to discern, and the courage to fight for Your truths, and not waver in temptation and fall prey to fallacies. Chasten our hearts O Lord, refine and purify it with Your Word. May we honour You with our lives.

In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Fascinating

2009-06-13T03:00:00.005+08:00

Wow the last time I blogged was on my birthday. That was also the day my parents left for America, and are there still. 2 weeks of awesome memories Hahahaha.

Since then, Nat and I have shared common keywords and phrases, which before my 22nd, were incredibly alien to me.

Grocery shopping. Buy the items on discount! Go wash the dishes, NOW. Please clear the rubbish. Pick me up. Carry the juice. STOP leaving your wet towel crumpled on the rack! Dice the garlic finer please. YAY medium rare wagyu steak. Grill at what temperature and for how long ah? What cream are we supposed to buy for the meatball sauce? What are we having for dinner tomorrow? Nai Bai, Dou Miao or Xiao Bai Cai? THERE ARE MAGGOTS IN THE ONIONS. YOU SETTLE THAT. -lots of squeals- I don't WANT to do the laundry! Er which means the car is locked ah, one beep or two beeps? WHY IS THE AIRCON GIVING OFF HOT AIR. Nat I think the car air con is SPOILT. Dad I think I fixed your suspension problem by mildly striking a curb. Nat I think I'm quite reckless. Can I please be reckless? -swerves car- Nat I can make your legs move. -swerves car- -laughs- Har. Have to top up the tank ALREADY?! What's Daddy's Shellcard number ah? -guesses- Yay I got it right. WHAT PARALLEL PARKING!? -finds another lot to park at- THROW AWAY THE RUBBISH. It's YOUR job.

Grandma: Are you, Nat and Aaron coming for dinner this weekend? Need you to bring back your computer. Me: WHAT computer?! -thinks- OH the old DELL one! Har. Really must ah? Grandma: Your house so big! Just bring home lah. Just let me know whether you're coming by tomorrow morning ah. So I can buy ingredients from the wet market. Me: Ok. I'll let you know. -thinks- Don't know whether Aaron is booking out, Nat has cell. I might have to work late. HAI Must I REALLY go?

Hurray. Ikea has free parking.

WHAT Daddy didn't restock the 50cent carpark coupons? WHERE DO I BUY THEM!? Mama shops DON'T sell them. (Or at least the one I went to didn't) How to park at Popo's house like that?! LOLOL. NAT we're out of FOOD. The bananas are getting brown and they're REALLY soft we'd better throw them away before fruit flies get them. WATER THE PLANTS I told you to yesterday but YOU DIDN'T Mummy's gonna be so upset. MOTH KILL IT.

Nat after frying the veggies and tasting it. TASTES LIKE MOMMY'S. -satisfied look- I'M MOMMY. Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

9 o'clock show start already! QUICK. -excited-

One night after I parked the car this Indian man comes up to me and demands money. I'm like, excuse me? Car washing fee. OHHHHHH. He asks, where's Uncle? I say, America. When coming back? he asks. I say next week. How much? $30.

Knocks on the door. Hello, newspaper money. How much? $20 something I can't remember I have the receipt. Hi Aunty Lucy! (Our fortnightly Yakult delivery lady) -pays money-

Dad, you owe me.

Domestic issues are highly unfamiliar territory. Especially when you're fully empowered with the car at home and at work. Errands become immediate necessities.

Hahahaha. It's been fun. Another 1 and a half weeks to go before Dad and Mum are fully reinstated back into the familial duty roster.

Which reminds me, I've to go throw away the rubbish. :)

The Good or the Best?

2009-05-29T02:13:00.003+08:00

From My Utmost for His Highest:)

May 25, 2009

The Good or The Best?

If you take the left, then I will go to the right; or, if you go to the right, then I will go to the left —Genesis 13:9

As soon as you begin to live the life of faith in God, fascinating and physically gratifying possibilities will open up before you. These things are yours by right, but if you are living the life of faith you will exercise your right to waive your rights, and let God make your choice for you. God sometimes allows you to get into a place of testing where your own welfare would be the appropriate thing to consider, if you were not living the life of faith. But if you are, you will joyfully waive your right and allow God to make your choice for you. This is the discipline God uses to transform the natural into the spiritual through obedience to His voice.

Whenever our right becomes the guiding factor of our lives, it dulls our spiritual insight. The greatest enemy of the life of faith in God is not sin, but good choices which are not quite good enough. The good is always the enemy of the best. In this passage, it would seem that the wisest thing in the world for Abram to do would be to choose. It was his right, and the people around him would consider him to be a fool for not choosing.

Many of us do not continue to grow spiritually because we prefer to choose on the basis of our rights, instead of relying on God to make the choice for us. We have to learn to walk according to the standard which has its eyes focused on God. And God says to us, as He did to Abram, ". . . walk before Me. . ." ( Genesis 17:1 ).

I like the phrase to waive your rights. It is deliberate and committal. It is a choice, a clear decision to allow yourself to be in a posture of surrender. That's pretty awesome. :) The good is always the enemy of the best.

Greatest Achievements

2009-05-27T01:55:00.002+08:00

Okay I've decided to catalogue random thoughts just before I sleep because I tend to lose them in dreamscape. It also helps that I start penning them down too. It's been too long since I've last entertained them.

To date, I think coming to terms with failure (in terms of ability and quantifiable measures) and daring to embrace them as mine has been the hardest and longest lesson I've had to learn.

I'm not perfect but God never had a penchant for perfect people because they were always too full of themselves.

We struggle because sometimes we're not good enough. And that's okay because God still loves us. I mean, He DID create us after all. What's not to love? hahaha. :)

More tomorrow. Nights. :) Hopefully this train of thought doesn't get de-railed by the time I get back to this.

HASH MUCH?

2009-05-22T19:14:00.002+08:00

hahaha. Yay for randomness. -feels content-

Results

2009-05-22T02:36:00.006+08:00

Haha alright. I'll give everyone a short update. :)

Resul.ts are out! A long string of B+s. It's not the best but I wasn't upset, because I know God gives me what I need and I just have to be faithful. He opens and closes doors and I trust and know this is exactly where I need to be. Happy about the B+ for Econs! :) Haha. No particular reason but I just am. LOL.

The past semester was a strange roller-coaster ride because it did feel out of my hands at times. Weird teams and bad presentations. It was just a whole string of peculiar events.

However, "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, His generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus" (Philippians 4:19 MSG).

God WILL take care of everything we NEED. I don't see anything about WANTS in there. It's a matter of looking back and thanking God for everything He's done for me. It is adopting a posture of thanksgiving and appreciation instead of lamenting over the whatifs and couldhavebeens. So thank you God, for seeing me through the hell-weeks and disaster presentations and helping me hold it together even after knowing I messed up.

Thank you. :)

On a side note, I don't know if the results will warrant me an exchange place to Australia but I'll try! :) Only God knows if this is a need, in terms of timing and season. Because if it's not, I won't get to go even if I (and I do) really want it.

So yeah. This officially ends my first year in Uni! I've learnt a lot in terms of prioritising and focusing your energies into the right things. I won't have a hall next year, so in terms of compartmentalising time into work and rest, it is a lot clearer now.

1) When you're at school, work and study.
2) Rest when you're at home.

Quite a simple guideline to follow right? RIGHT WALTER? hahaha. That means we stay in school like we would do working hours hahaha. This time, we've got no rooms with beds to tempt us into slacking and sleeping our time away hahaha.

I really do feel more ready to face Year2 at this juncture. It isn't about simply excelling in terms of pure grades. It's really about having your life aligned right and having your spirit tuned to His quiet but steadfast voice. It's walking in His peace, which I haven't dared to do all my life because it has always seemed the road less travelled. You know, the old mindset of less prospects, less money equals less fulfilment.

I think if you dare to chase God, even if it leads you down paths less trodden, you will always be fulfilled in walking in your destiny.

Right now, it's HR consultancy. I've known for awhile now that it's going to be HR but I don't know why consultancy keeps jumping up. But I've a peace about it. :) And that's the most important thing to me now.

:) loves!

Choices

2009-05-06T16:08:00.010+08:00

Haha it's official. My mum is now also my boss.

My boss cooks and cleans for me. :) Hahaha.

Well that aside, it's been a journey of choices getting here. The last time I had this opportunity of time to work at length was before Uni started. And even at that time, the option of working in church did linger in my head. But I refused to listen to that niggling prompting. So I dove straight into what seemed to be a "more valuable experience" at that time. Managing the stress and demands of the Starh.ub job seemed to be the right "challenge" for me. On hindsight I didn't regret it, the only downside was that my time was locked down and clamped. I really didn't have the energy to do much else.

This time, I was supposed to go for an interview for a swine flu screening job. I didn't really know what to think of it at first. The first thing that struck me was the hours (haha the risk didn't really bother me that much actually). 10 hours a day, 5 days a week AND 8am-1pm on Saturdays? For 2 months? The pay was decent considering the economic climate right now. But still, it would have been WORSE than the Sta.rhub stint. So I decided against it on the way to the interview haha.

Moreover, my Dad managed to link me up with a Breadta.lk temp job (NOT baking bread), I would think it had to do with operations, and I just got the call from the HR Department. But I rejected it, being already committed to helping Mum out at church.

ALSO, I rejected an opening a friend had for me at ExxonMo.bil. It was an administrative job, and once again, considering the economic conditions, was pretty decent paying! And it's so strange because this time, I actually have more job opportunities compared to before Uni!

God really does provide in the smallest of ways, if only we dare trust and obey when He does call. I do feel at peace with this decision, even with rejecting the Brea.dtalk temp/mini-internship which undoubtedly would help my "work-experience" portion on my resume. Dad knows the higher management at Breadta.lk so he was trying to help me network and learn from them. But I think it's just not the time, yet.

Giving back to the body of Christ was one thing that I've been thinking about, having written two weeks of cell guides on that topic haha, and just being more sensitive to the Spirit. Having prayed over this particular period of this season, I know this is where I need to be.

A job close to home, being able to (literally) spend time with family, and get to know my Mum on a totally different level, and to really appreciate the body of Christ, the Church. The pay is definitely less, but the fact remains - God PROVIDES when you OBEY. :)

God, I really couldn't have asked for more. :) Thank you! :)

Ants

2009-04-14T21:31:00.007+08:00

Hi everyone. Tomorrow's my first paper and I'm duly excited! ha ha ha. Ok anyway there has been a recent ant invasion of my desk. I don't even have FOOD in my room. The only thing sweet around here is me. I cannot STAND sugar-ants they're so TINY and IRRITATING. They crawl around the corners of my desk and onto me! I ABHOR the tiny tingly sensations of their tiny tingly feet running over my skin.

I squish them with tissue paper. Every single one. DIE.

Today, I have a bigger problem. God has sent winged-ants into my room.

They love the florescent lights and I can sweep a cluster of them into my dust-pan. They're so dumb half of them are beheaded by the ceiling fan so I'm sweeping up corpses multiplied into two. I don't even have to kill them. I therefore conclude that I should switch off my lights and go to sleep for my paper tomorrow morning in order to curb the onslaught of the winged-ants.

It's a sign. I know it.

If you read this could you give me a call tomorrow morning at 815am to ensure I'm awake because Wal.ter will probably not be staying in hall tonight and I've no other physical presence in my room to be annoyed by my alarm clock if I happen to snooze it one too many times.

My paper's at 9am. Yay:) If I'm blogging here tomorrow morning at 9am, it is all YOUR fault.

Peace, out.

A Whole New World by Nick Pitera

2009-04-03T11:40:00.001+08:00

In light of the economic recession, Disney has taken innovative steps to cut costs.

Moments

2009-03-31T22:35:00.007+08:00

I guess it's these moments we need to capture.

I'm up on the top floor of the School of Communications studying (or was). Behind me entends a roof-top of sorts - basically a channeling space - a tunnel of a continuous stream of the night breeze. In front of me there's this amazing electrical storm in the clouds. The dark clouds are illuminated while bolts of lightning occasionally peek out from behind them.

There's no thunder at all, no booms of danger; just a dazzling dance of power.

And to top it all off, Father of the Fatherless by Melissa Otto is on my playlist. I've tried uploading it to imeem numerous times but it just doesn't seem to want to be uploaded, so maybe you'll get to hear it another time. The youtube video doesn't do the song its acoustic justice.

In short it's a nice acoustic piece, a moment of strung intimacy with God. Well, there's another song and it's just as fitting too. :) Prodigal by Michael Gungor.

So there was this image I had when I closed my eyes, when all the components of the moment came together, weaving an intense picture in my heart and my spirit.

In the quiet storm, where flashes fly and there is such overwhelming power in the atmosphere, God has allowed us to stand, to stand in it all in victory. With arms raised up high we all grow to stand for a cause, to protect others around us and to love Him, if we dare allow for abandonment in Him.

We grow up to face bigger storms, greater uncertainties, and it is now that we are sure we don't have all the answers to life. It's not like the A-levels, where the questions are approached with the right answers in mind. The truth is there are no perfect answers, there are only the best answers formulated when given limited information.

And only God can provide us with the wisdom to make those pivotal decisions. Prepare we must, strive we shall, but it is an abandoned faith in God we could never do without.

To the Soldier

2009-03-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier. (2 Timothy 2:4 NASB)

Hmm, much food for thought.

Reminiscence

2009-03-29T23:09:00.003+08:00

Hmm, I tried looking for my post with Rudyard Kipling's If in it, because I thought it'd be interesting to re-read what I gleaned from it at that point in my life. But I can't seem to find it! It could have been permanently erased when letlifelive.diary-x.com crashed and burned.

Which also reminds me, a good chunk of my past - JC 2 and earlier - went with it. I don't have much to remember it by!

I don't keep a written diary so that's really tragic in retrospect. :( But I can roughly recall what happened each year though! HAHAHA. :X

Haha okay, onwards then.

And Lemuel, check out other assorted poems by him too. Pretty fantastic. You'd be surprised at how deep The Jungle Book was actually supposed to be. :) Check out The Law of the Jungle! Haha but I think Disney still did a good job animating it! I didn't like it very much back then because there were some intense and sad scenes that I couldn't appreciate very much. The conflict, power enforced by law, the initially happy-go-lucky Baloo victimised. Hahaha Highly complicated themes for primary school kids, no? hahaha.

Check out Neighbours too, it's funny in its own right.

Okay back to the reality of a potentially life-threatening week, in terms of lack-of-sleep.

Favourite Quotes

2009-03-27T00:51:00.005+08:00

During cell last night the opening question was: What's your favourite quote?

Suddenly this came to mind. I blogged it before I think, during the JC days of old.

If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

--Rudyard Kipling

In it holds a truth for every season. Of course, there's the Bible in absolute truth, but you've to admit there's a twist of beauty in words that have been prepared over days and nights of endless thought.

My other favourite quote is by Wa.lter:

My grandfather once told me: "Ah boy, hungry eat, sleepy sleep. Why make life so complicated?"

Hahahahaha. It's a favourite because it also holds a truth for every season Hahahaha.

Hi(gh)

2009-03-25T03:34:00.003+08:00

Hi everyone it's 3am and sometimes I feel it's the best hour of the day. It's when I'm alone in perfect harmonic silence and it's when know God is here in the most tangible way.

The week's schedule isn't the best. Deadlines are creeping into the red zone [DUE] [DUE] [DUE], and everything is quite a train ride. I mean those choo-choo trains where it's all smoke and noise and the rumbling of the tracks in endless activity.

But it's nice to have the wind in your hair with friends in the next cabin whom you can give a high-five to as you pass them by while running your daily errands and duties. It's activity with a smile with lots of snacking and late night suppers and joy-rides with Walt.er and We.eKun screeching and drifting his bends ahahaah.

God, I have an assessed Marke.ting Project Presentation in approximately 5 hours and I know we've done enough to give You all the glory. Amen. :)

This whole train is running down Your track. Wherever You're going, Game on. :)

God brings us exciting places. :D

Manchester Untied

2009-03-24T22:19:00.003+08:00

Now we know where ESPN loyalties lie. Best typo of the season.

Serious Baby ... sometimes

2009-03-19T02:00:00.001+08:00

HAHA SO CUTE!

Run With Me

2009-03-18T20:19:00.007+08:00

~~I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.~~
I can only do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
~~Christ strengthens me so I can do all things.~~
Christ strengthens me so I can do all things even though I don't deserve it.

Let it be, with my life as a testimony, that I know Christ strengthens me.

Amen.

Rant

2009-03-11T23:59:00.004+08:00

I usually don't deal with setbacks very well, especially if i've put in hours of effort into a presentation or a quiz.

I tend to get angry at God, and then at myself. After much soul-searching, it's because I feel those hours of my effort wasn't justified by the results. Even all that effort isn't good enough for a decent grade?! Maybe it's 'cos I did pretty well for all my smaller subject components last semester and it's funny how this semester isn't as smooth. At least I thought it'd be! So it's a little frustrating.

And then I'm reminded of who God is.

John 14:26-27
²⁶But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. ²⁷Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Everything will work out according to His plan and His timing, and his plans for us are for eternity. He'll never shortchange trust and faithfulness in Him. Jeremiah 29:11.

---------------

Haha it's funny how God uses your circumstance to bless others.

After my lousy day in which I TOTALLY choked on a memorised script and couldn't continue with my next point 'cos i couldn't remember a CRUCIAL fact to back up the previous point I made, I came back to my room last night after cell to find W.alter practising and memorising his script. I think I got a big fat B- for my speech or something. I couldn't even finish my conclusion because time ran out! So I shared with him what had happened to me, and gave him pointers and pitfalls to avoid (like memorising scripts and to use a point-form outline and elaborate instead).

He messaged me today and thanked God for bringing him through his speech, and also thanked me for my prayers. Think he got an A+! :) Yeah of course at first I was like, GOD THIS IS UNFAIR CAN. The previous night I was alone in my room practicing my speech to death (W.alter went home) and I still faltered! BOO.

Haha then He said, if you didn't mess up you wouldn't have bothered giving W.alter tips for his presentation right? Then you would have missed an opportunity to bless someone else!

HAHA I admit I was still rolling my spiritual eyes at God for a while. But really, this is how puny a situation when compared to what God is preparing in Heaven for us. Everything that happens on earth happens for His glory. Repeat that to self. Everything happens for His glory. Not for your GPA. His glory.

Remember that.

My Roomie

2009-03-03T02:03:00.008+08:00

1) "Now everyone's gonna say NTU students are back-stabbers."
Wal.ter on the startling events on campus.

2) "Why can't God just create the One for us from one of our ribs, you know, like Adam and Eve. Save us all the trouble of looking for her. I wonder what Adam's surname was. I think it could have been Yeo. Adam Yeo."
Wa.lter on love and lineage.

3) "Tio OWNED! HAHAHAHHA"
We were on our way out for supper, and Wa.lter was negotiating a bend when suddenly a huge group of guys and girls started squirming off the road cos they were walking right smack in the middle of it. They literally got caught in the headlights hahahaha it was funny seeing grown manly-man guys squirm off the road in bewilderment.

We have the strangest conversations.

And I am a genius, I didn't bring my towel to hall this week.

Answers

2009-02-24T16:05:00.003+08:00

When we were younger, we saw possibilities in everything. There were no fixed boundaries to govern us. Or at the very least, those moral guidelines were yet to be rooted distinctively in our lives as what we now acknowledge as righteous, and the truth.

And now, as we start thinking about our place in this world, as we take on more and more roles as young adults, those truths, those divine words of His commandments and wisdom have never been more real.

God has never been more real.

It's funny how we spend our youth figuring out who God is by figuring out who we are, and then spend our entire adult lives aligning who we are with who God is.

And I think that's absolutely perfect. God has brought me to a point of appreciation for who He is. Father, Son and Holy Spirit - God Above, God Beside, and God Within. You obey, you are affirmed, and you are absolutely confident of what He has called you to when your heart is perfectly aligned with His. I don't think I've been fully appreciate this til now.

This is my way of Celebrating Jesus. I want to be able to do it with my life, despite my imperfections and idiosyncrasies.

Thank you, Father.

Because Every Lady Deserves a Leader

2009-02-19T09:41:00.016+08:00

For those who don't already know, God has been absolutely phenomenal in the last two weeks. :) Looking back at the last 4 years of singlehood and reflecting on how God has painstakingly prepared me for this new season, I am confident of this: when you are willing to submit all to God, He will never shortchange you.

Though I'm still largely a work-in-progress, I've learnt a few key things over the years and I want to share them with you, guys in particular.

1. Leadership
After my first relationship ended 4 years ago, God really surfaced this awareness of a guy's role in a relationship. Let's just reverse engineer this process yeah? If you desire a relationship and to love someone, you would eventually be a boyfriend to her in courtship. Thereafter, you'll be a husband in marriage and ultimately, a father and head of the household. So if you go into a relationship without being clear of what you're working towards and if you eventually are unable to provide the leadership required as head of a household, who's going to do it?

Guys, you will all eventually be a head of a household. How then, can you possibly not be called to leadership!?

2. Preparation
Understanding this, you now have a benchmark and measure of how ready you are to enter into a relationship. Why rush into one when you cannot stand firm in His love and His truth on your own? Have you been tested and tried in character? Do you love God with your life? Are you clear on your current roles and what you have to work towards? Do you consistently chart your growth? What is love to you? If you cannot answer these questions in conviction and with a certainty and peace, will you be able to rise to the occasion when you are called upon to make important leadership decisions in what will be your future family?

Singlehood is God's personal time with you. Allow Him to break you, because He puts you back together again and you'll be WAY thankful for it.

3. Love
My view of Love has changed over the years too. Being in love is more than just the emotional highs and gratification you receive in companionship with another person. Time and again, I've looked at how love is defined in the Bible:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ⁸Love never fails.

To me, verse 7 is far removed from bashful iloveyous and traditional romance. It is a deliberate act of protecting, trusting and persevering, which requires a strength in depth and clarity in commitment.

There's no backing down when times are hard. You fight on in love. You fight on for love.

4. Extreme Loneliness
Sure, it gets difficult. Ah, the army. :) Remember the days of confinement, when you yearned for familiarity and home where everything was provided for? It is EXACTLY like that. You feel lonely because you still crave dependence on what you've always been used to. It is a journey of learning to submit that emptiness and need to God and trusting in His providence and timing. I remember praying for God to prepare her, whoever she is, as I continued to walk this journey with Him. (This happened REALLY often.) And WOW how he prepared her! :D

4 years back, I didn't have a clear understanding of all this. It was simply a rush of emotion, which in retrospect was also unfair to her.

So guys, in essence, the singlehood process is a leadership journey. You learn to lead your life. You make your mistakes and you pay their prices. You learn that your life, is really not yours. You learn to acknowledge the sovereignty of God and yield to it in full obedience because we love as He loved us. You learn that love is being faithful with every single role bestowed upon you and that you must persevere. It is a form of respect and stewardship unto God first, and your loved ones second. Most importantly, I've learnt that it is not simply duty that drives us to fulfil our daily roles responsibly, but it is love that gives us the stamina and strength required for what is otherwise, humanly impossible.

So chin up guys, suck it in and stand firm. Let God deal with you in every way possible, so that when the time comes you will have absolutely no doubt that you're ready with a godly confidence.

She'll be SO glad you survived your singlehood years hahaha. :) Trust me on this! ;)

God, this is for You. BIG MANYMANY THANKS YOU'RE TOTALLY AWESOME. :D:D:D

:)

2009-02-11T00:00:00.004+08:00

God absolutely surprised me this last week. And I finally understand how God works in His time. :) It has been such a long journey, and it is more than worth it; For God makes all things possible.

I Tried

2009-02-03T02:37:00.007+08:00

nick says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY
nick says:
ohman. dude this made me tear.
nick says:
in my room in hall lol.
nick says:
suddenly everything seems so ... trivial.
maurice KEANE BACK TO SPURS? sigh. says:
NICK DON'T DO THIS TO ME
maurice KEANE BACK TO SPURS? sigh. says:
I JUST HAD BEER
nick says:
LOL.
nick says:
YOU MOODKILLER.
nick says:
BAH ... i miss God.

Introducing my joker friends from NBS whom I've grown to love.

Still, what an IDIOT! Hahaha. He's Christian, by the way. Less than a year old.

------ edit/ 3.15am

Wow that conversation ended up being the best thing I've done in school so far. I just found out FROM him, that Campus Crusade has services in school on Thursdays, which also happens to be my free day this Sem, and that he's attending a Discipleship group run by them on Tuesday nights in school too! Just that he hasn't found a home church and stays in Simei! Hmmmm. Haha. Awesome!

I'm genuinely happy now. :)

K thank God for that. I've still gotta finish up my cell guide for this week.

Desert Song - Hillsong 2008

Loop de Loop

2009-01-30T02:06:00.008+08:00

I think I've decided against writing so frequently here because the value it carries has seemingly lessened over time. I don't feel its weight anymore. It doesn't tug at me, the necessity has become more of a chore.

In retrospect, my entries have been outlets for issues still stuck in a state of uncertainty, where thoughts have to be continually washed over them, carrying a speck of hope for a breakthrough. And once that speck finds its destined place, once there is a fit, there will be a click, a revelation, and the whole thing shatters into gold dust reflecting rays of light; everything settles, and deafening silence ensues.

What was that?

It takes a lot out of me, these posts. High investment, low returns.

You learn that when you're in the dark, stretching out your hands to find the nearest solid surface and moving your palms along its contour is the fastest way to find the exit.

This usually just takes me around the space, because the only way out is up. My feet are too heavy for flight and running serves no purpose. So why bother feeling your way around when you can just lift up your hands and surrender? (Note: not in surrender)

I'd rather make my mistakes by executing these thought processes and getting hurt than wasting time mulling over my options here. My options usually die on me, anyway.

So, hmm. Bye.

Happy LUNAR New Year

2009-01-27T05:10:00.003+08:00

As Prof Hoo.i said, it's Happy LUNAR New Year, not CNY, because all the other non-chinese people who celebrate the occasion as well might get offended.

And I'm glad I got to spend it with people who hold special places in my life.

In the end, it is all about family, in the broadest sense of the word.

Your greatest strength comes from the people who love you without obligation. In a more objective light, your family is your deepest resource. We spend our lives looking outwards for inspiration and new experiences to fulfil our needs and wants, and yet right in our homes, gems of wisdom lie waiting to be appreciated.

Mum said, Hey this year you seem to be the most alive. Usually you seem so drained by all the visiting and small talk.

Hmm, that's a good sign.

I didn't really care about the angpows. They were the ritual this year, not the visiting and small talk.

BOO

2009-01-24T20:57:00.019+08:00

OMG I is MIA.

There was an organisational behaviour seminar this week and there was this exercise to demonstrate to us positive and negative reinforcement.

So my prof selected a random guy and asked him to go out of the class until he went out to fetch him.

The task to the class was to get this guy, who had NO idea what he was supposed to do, to pick up a textbook on a particular table. The only thing we could do was to BOO him as long as he moved away from the book. But if he moved in the right direction towards the predetermined book, we weren't allowed to affirm him with yays or applause or anything positive sounding. We were only allowed to punish him for a negative action on his part.

And it was damn funny, because for FIVE whole minutes, the guy just STOOD there. He didn't move at all. He just stood there, and even though he wanted to find out what he needed to do, he didn't know that to find out, he had to MOVE.

We just stared at each other in silence.

And at that moment, God said, That's you. If you don't CHOOSE to move there's NOTHING anyone can do for you.

I think that's what life is. Nobody knows with 100% certainty that what he/she wants is fully aligned with what God wants. Some people get reallyyy close, but still who's to say? The only markers you get is when people start disciplining you and telling you, hey it's time to turn back.

Just lead. Lead anything. Lead the wrong thing. Just frikkin' lead.

Because if you find yourself with nothing or no one to lead, you start leading your own life.

Joey

2009-01-11T21:48:00.005+08:00

There's school tomorrow. Help. I desperately need this.

(Brain Location Service)

I've decided to try this out since it's totally weird and amusing.

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
4. Tag 10 or more friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got it from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Kenny Loggins - Your Heart Will Lead You Home

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Nickelback - Photograph (?!)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Coldplay - Yellow

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Craig David - Rise & Fall (Ft Sting)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Corrine May - Angel in Disguise

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Puddle of Mudd -Blurry

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Splender - I Think God Can Explain (HAHAHAHA)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
John Mayer - No Such Thing (HAHAHHAHA)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Jars of Clay - Worlds Apart (I KNEW IT)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Michelle Branch - Breathe

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Lifehouse - Walking Away

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Jason Mraz - Wordplay

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
The Script - We Cry (HAHAHAHA LOL)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Lifehouse - What's Wrong With That

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Breaking Benjamin - Dance with the Devil (OMG HAHAHA)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Electrico - Hip City

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Jason Mraz - Clockwatching (HAHAHA that's quite a loser hobby)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
John Mayer - Stop This Train

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Corrine May - The Answer

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Jason Mraz - Plane (OMG)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Electrico - We're Not Made in the USA

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Perishers - Trouble Sleeping

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Oasis - Don't Look Back in Anger

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Perishers - Still Here

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Bon Jovi - Livin' On a Prayer

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Jason Mraz - Life is Wonderful

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Electrico - Only Where I'm Going

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Oasis - Champagne Supernova

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Bon Jovi - Joey

LOL. Dedicated to whoever had a good laugh at the conspiring humor in uncanny matches of question and song title.

I'm so dead for tomorrow. Damn cheer. Wednesday and I'm FREEEEEEEE.

Floating Thoughts/Just Because

2009-01-10T03:39:00.006+08:00

It's strange being part of a competitive team again after so many years.

The spurts of effort, the waves of joy and frustration washing over, hot and cold. I guess I miss some of it and wish I could do without the parts that require so much heart and investment.

In the end, a team works towards a common goal. Objectively speaking, once the goal is achieved, a team no longer has anything left to hold it together but memories. Once those memories are discarded or lessens in value over time, there is no longer a lingering obligation to reminiscence and to follow through with life not yet lived.

I wish there was something lasting and tangible that I could see in any one person, a trigger-point which assures me, thus enabling me to pour out life without the implications of social norms and extrapolations of expectation. I guess it's been a long time since I've last been able to fully trust and be vulnerable to a team/organisation/person.

I wish I'd follow my heart more often, like picking up my phone and messaging people who have walked into my life and left something to remember. I should make an effort to remember occasions, birthdays and milestones. I should stop downplaying the importance of shared memories and occasions. I should stop diminishing the colour of life just because I think it's all fluffy and deconstructed.

I should think less, do more. I should be more random. Just because.

I should live. Just because I can.

This year I would have played Boggle competitively for the first time in my life, and won. I would also have entertained the idea of smoking weed for real, legally, in Amsterdam.

I would like to do strange things more, to add to the first times.

I would love doing that extreme roller blading thing they did at the end of Yes Man. Or smoke weed hahahhaa. (There's this smoking weed thing going around.)

I'm tired. And guess what, I've run out of clean underwear for the week because I've had sweaty cheer trainings every night since Sunday night. Today is Friday night. I've cheer again later, at erm, 1030am.

Underwear stash depleted. I shall not reveal how I am going to solve my dilemma. Sure there's the straightforward answer of erm, WASH THEM. But hahahahha, I could, NOT. Just because.

This is one of those first times, I believe. :)

2009

2009-01-01T22:58:00.003+08:00

2009 has come too soon. I'm still running the course of my 2008 commitments, baggages if you will. For me, 2008 ends on 14th January.

Til then, I'm still memorising permutations of all the possible three-letter words in the SOWPODS dictionary. The Boggle competition is tomorrow. I spent half of today in a room grinding out words from a four-by-four grid of lettered cubes. For every game of Boggle I play I lose an average of three strands of hair.

If we get into the finals, it will be held on Saturday.

After four hours of being in the room, my spirit was so depressed at the mediocrity of it all that I just had to leave. So I left, and looped Love, Where is your Fire by Brooke Fraser in my room.

"And I, I'm holding my heart out to You."

For all the things that I could control this year, I didn't use them as opportunities to glorify His name, I used them for mine. As such, I've never desired the things of God, so much so that He didn't see the point of surfacing them for me to see because I would have brushed it aside anyway.

God, grant me the strength and discipline to responsibility complete my 2008 commitments, so that when I leave it all to dust I can do so in your blessings because it has pleased you.

I'm not asking for anything of 2009 right now, because I'm not even done with the 2008 issues. But when I am, I know it will be good. I will be at peace hearing You, listening to You, waiting on You before my rash mind decides to live its own life again.

And this time, I'm holding my heart and mind out to You. I held my mind out in 2008, and it wasn't enough because it wasn't all of me. I feared feeling vulnerable emotionally, even to You. So this year, I know I'm more prepared to hold my heart out to You.

I've only come up with one practical resolution this year:

I'll strive to respond to missed calls in 15minutes, messages in 30minutes and emails in 24hours.

This is so I don't prematurely burn any bridges, that I can slowly get back to loving people as I should be.

Today

2008-12-19T06:02:00.002+08:00

Today, I played 12 hours of Boggle and Scrabble.

In between, I rediscovered the frailty of life and prayed for someone in hall.

This is the third night I'm sleeping just as the sun is rising.

I cannot decide whether emotions or clear-cut rationality is the more humane way of life. I just cannot mix both. Oil and water splutters on the same heated surface. Flesh burns.

Tomorrow I will go home, and make a few big decisions.

In other news, ajee and mzee are words. I've played the WEIRDEST scrabble games recently. There's such a word as poorliest. I assume it is the worst state of being poor.

Blessed are the poorliest in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (and since they are the poorliest they get the biggiest part).

Happy Thoughts

2008-12-17T01:31:00.004+08:00

Ok, so I'm going to do something different.

I believe God intended for our lives to be purposeful and thus, passionately driven. Being fueled by strong convictions, there can only be one result: a deep fulfilment resulting in intense joy.

God, I'll take the first step. I believe. I believe I'll wake up in the morning to you. I believe I'll be able to recognise your voice and cleave to the strength it brings. I choose to believe that there must be more than this. I am far from satisfied. I absolutely despise inactivity and a dead heart. I cannot live like this, with a shrivelled soul. How could anyone? How could anyone live in a cell built by his own hands, four walls that were laid from the outside in? It's impossible to live satisfied with what we've gained by our hands alone. There is no lasting fulfilment. It is impossible to deny Your existence because that would be rejecting love. If you reject love what else is there left to live for? If you cannot accept the perfect love, what do you love by? If you cannot love and do not know how to love, why live?

If you live today knowing you will regret it tomorrow, you'll spend the rest of your life anticipating and preparing for regret. You're chained to the ground, dragging your belly over dust and dirt.

Truth lies in the choice to love Him because He first loved us. Wake up to truth every morning and there will never be a day of regret.

Today

2008-12-16T18:39:00.002+08:00

I did two things today.

I wrote a Cell Guide and cleaned up my room in Hall. Cleaned as in mopped the floor (thrice), dusted the fan, killed all the spiders and destroyed TWO wasp nests (one was occupied by a single maggot).

I realised this. If you don't clean, you get used to it, AND the spiders multiply. I usually just kill the big ones when I casually sweep the place. But just killing the big adult ones means the smaller currently insignificant ones have time to grow and by the time you clean again they'd be adults and have had like countless spiderlings.

If you don't do a thorough overhaul sin will be able to find a way to multiply. AND you get used to it.

HotBoys

2008-12-16T04:06:00.002+08:00

Hahaha OMG this looks like SO much fun. :)

http://kelongfishing.com/

Current Condition

2008-12-15T02:57:00.005+08:00

Today I was asked a question, and my answer reveals all.

Why do you still go to church?

...
..
.

Duty.

I am so far removed from emotion that I am only holding on to the Idea of The Perfect Love. I even tried doing MBTI again just to get a rough gauge and indicator and though I'm still an INTJ my T is 100%.

What the hell? I've gained the knowledge of the World but lost my soul completely.

It's really amusing because I'm actually writing the Cell Guide for Meg.alife this week and the points are as follows:

1) Walking away from God is always a choice.
2) The things of the World will never satisfy, as attractive as they may seem.
3) Pride prevents us from coming back to God
4) To return to God we need to be broken.
5) God's grace covers all.
6) You can be a Son and still live like a Slave.

Hahahahahaha. I could still write a solid Cell Guide based on principles in theory, no problem. I could even go as far as structuring the questions in such a way that leads to a spiritual response. We've been trained to write and structure the Cell Guides as such and the way it is executed will be no different from previous guides I've written. But it is absolutely useless when you can't even apply it to your own life. Faith without actions is dead. The heart plays no part. The mind is in full control.

Hahaha I'm writing next week's Cell Guide too. I think this is tragic.

Depth

2008-12-13T02:32:00.003+08:00

I've recently noticed this: Catch up sessions with old friends whom you see a maximum of once every quarter are more likely to end up in easier conversations as compared to off-the-cuff meals with friends you see daily.

I define "easier" conversation as more comfortable, less mundane, and ultimately, deeper in content and conviction.

It's funny because I think we subconsciously place a heightened importance on the time we spend catching up as we understand that after this meeting, we probably won't do so for a substantial period of time.

This phenomena occurs in more than one friendship for me, and I can't quite decide whether it's healthy or not.

I can understand why this happens for me though. The time we spend apart ensures a certain degree of safe anonymity, thus enabling me to speak my mind on a clean slate. I speak, knowing that there is no preconceived judgment placed on how I arrived at my thoughts and conclusions, as compared to a friend who knows my daily routines, habits and idiosyncrasies. I find that I present thoroughly digested arguments to people whom I've not seen for a long time. There are no blotches of inconsistency, uncertainty and surely, no moping, because that has all been done on a personal level (usually with the friends you see every day).

So in essence, there are friends who see the process, and there are others who usually only see the end result of that journey.

So which friends would you define as "closer"? Those that enable you to have "easy" meaningful conversation, or those that rebuke and correct you on a daily basis?

Of course, you could argue that one friend could be both. He/She would then fall under the "Best Friend" category, but due to my natural inclination to compartmentalise my relationships so clearly, I usually avoid this.

This brings me to my root problem: I have problems accepting God as both, who sees my daily struggles and yet, is also the same God who empowers me to arrive at sound conclusions.

Hence, I cannot naturally accept God as a Best Friend because in reality, there isn't one.

At cell this week we talked about understanding our faith and not just blindly believing in it. I strongly believe we need to scrutinise doctrine and principles before we adopt them in our daily lives. Why follow simply because the Bible says so? I think there is value in the journey of proving truth. The perfect love is hard to digest and swallow. Honestly, it is still difficult to accept. The search of truth is the proof of this love and God, I want to believe it but the heart is deceitful and I dare not trust the faith it is yearning to have in order to pursue it.

I think it has been a struggle for a long time. Solutions can be found in two ways.

1) You obtain a "eureka" moment where suddenly there is a profound liberation of truth and joy and God literally speaks life.
2) You force yourself to practice principles in your life that you don't fully agree with or understand until it becomes natural to you.

Sounds like Math doesn't it? You either enjoy doing Math because you fully understand the concepts and appreciate the application of these theories in problem-solving OR you don't understand nor appreciate their intricacies but practice question after question using a known given solution until it becomes ingrained.

I don't want to live my faith using the latter approach. It doesn't make sense and isn't enjoyable.

Days Like These

2008-12-10T16:35:00.002+08:00

There are days where you can't decide whether people are assets or liabilities.

This is one of those days. I feel damn anti-social today. The only reason why I'm going to have any human interaction whatsoever today is out of duty and/or obligation.

I'm wasting my time here I'm going to take a nap so I can discover what my subconscious is really saying to me through unfinished dreams.

It's funny how sometimes a dream is cut off abruptly by consciousness and you will yourself back to sleep in the hope of obtaining some form of dream-closure or to just set a nightmare right. We want to be in control of EVERYTHING it's hilarious. Ha. Ha. Ha. This is killing me.

Regret

2008-12-08T23:03:00.010+08:00

Regret is defined as being sorry for either an act or omission.

So if you knowingly head down a path by choice, which is also conveniently counterculture, you would not be sorry for that act or omission as you have already factored in and chosen to bear its consequence. Therefore, there will be no effective regret upon receiving that foreseeable consequence as there is no fathomable remorse.

As such, the act of feeling remorseful and seeking repentance can only be assumed by an individual when he/she chooses to. There is no way you could reason with him/her, or convince him/her that the life he/she is leading will end up in personal regret.

When a person has made his/her choice and has thought it through, especially after including consideration to forseeable consequence, any other rationale preached to him/her will not be taken as anything less than condescending as your warning in goodwill will be construed as belittling to his/her ability in making independent decisions.

So when you intercede for such a person, pray painful prayers, for nothing else can chasten a stubborn mind.

And I guess that's why regret always falls heavy because it usually falls when it is way too late.

---
--
-

I wonder how long more it'll take.

Throw it all into the Wind

2008-12-03T02:47:00.012+08:00

Wow I'm going be in hall for at least 4 days a week. There goes December, and what's left of 2008.

And when I'm not in hall, I'm meeting people and there goes all my cash.

When I'm not meeting people and not in hall, I don't have the space that I need to evaluate anything.

My friendships and relationships are still largely determined and cemented by common activity. Take away the activity and I don't know if I have the heart to pursue them in the name of love.

I'm such a lazy bastard.

That is why I will never be fulfilled. I wait for life to fulfil me. Commitment-phobe yo.

While we're at it, throw in a few late-night soccer matches, booze, scrabble and crazy photos and everything seems alright.

Yeah, had hockey training today followed by birthday celebrations til late. It's 3am after booze and supper. Boggle training at 12pm tomorrow. Cheer-leading in the evening. Perfect. Wakeboarding @ Batam on Thursday. Friday Boggle training again then Prayer Meeting.

Makes perfect sense right. wow.

Throw it all into the wind. Hippie lifestyle. The hair is resembling it yo.

Words escape me. Memorising wordlists for Boggle/Scrabble kinda belittles meaning.

I am a random mess of functional behaviour, just like this post. When words fail me I look to songs so that someone else can say it for me.

Stars (Acoustic) - Switchfoot

In other random news, this in all political correctness is damn sad but I find it zomg amusing. Welcome to the Real World where the truth in all its candidness, is a bitch.

see more pwn and owned pictures

Unilateral Contract

2008-11-21T21:50:00.008+08:00

John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

OMG IT'S AN UNILATERAL CONTRACT. Carbolic Smoke Balls! The condition to be fulfilled by the offeree (me, you, the world), is to just believe in Him.

Wonder what it'll be like discussing this from a legal point of view. I mean of course He wouldn't revoke the offer of salvation. It was a price paid in full. I'm just curious, and stressed.

Under legal conditions, God is BOUND by the contract if the condition is fulfilled! However, God too, has legal courses of action. (LOL)

On the other hand, God has options to revocate His offer. If the general rule is applied, the offer can be revoked any time before acceptance, and in the case of unilateral contracts, this occurs when the offeree's obligations have been fully performed.

Particularly, the condition to be fulfilled would be the act of believing in Him. Now the act of believing in Him is hard to qualify as fully performed. The conventional benchmark would be acknowledging your sinfulness, His forgiveness, your redemption, and lastly accepting Him into your life. But to truly believe and trust in Him with your life as a testimony is another issue altogether. For the purpose of this discussion, believing is the point at which one invites Christ into his/her life.

What's interesting is the alternative point of view. If an offeree, within a reasonable time from the making of the offer begins to perform his obligations, the offeror cannot revoke the offer: Abbott v Lance (1860). So if the offeree (you or me) suddenly has questions on faith, starts searching for answers and has tugs of faith in our hearts, it would be construed as the offeree starting to accept the offer, and thus the offeror cannot revoke His offer.

In Singapore, the second view appears to find favour. In Dickson Trading (S) Pte Ltd v Transmarco Ltd (1989), in what seems to be the obiter dictum, this proposition was accepted:

"... the offeror in a unilateral contract has an obligation not to revoke the offer after the offeree has embarked on the performance of the conditions."

Having said that, it is hard to qualify a "reasonable" amount of time. The offer was made thousands of years ago but this would not be a good gauge as the duration of existence on this earth for every individual varies. This is further compounded by the point at which the awareness of Christ in an individual's life is established. Some might be 50years of age but have only been introduced to the message of salvation at 45, while others are 20 but first heard about Christ when they were 10.

Therefore, on legal terms, once the offeree has embarked on the act of beginning to believe, God cannot revoke His offer of salvation. :)

Haha a new way to evangelise to your lawyer friends. :)

I'm really tired from all that studying. This is actually my form of de-stressing.

Duty

2008-11-20T02:35:00.003+08:00

As we hit this stage in life, there isn't time for trial and error of thought and emotion. Our duties as functional members of society will only continue to be deliberately laid out before us, without consideration to our personal opinion and available capacity to shoulder it.

You've just got to keep going.

God I know you're there. I know I'll get there, to the place you've prepared for me. I know I've just got to be faithful with what I have on my hands right now, which is immediately, my studies. Which is why I am fighting to honour you with whatever ability and capacity you've granted me with. I haven't been able to say that I've done that with golden opportunities in my youth, so this is the only time I have left to do so. I don't want to regret this like I did in secondary school and JC.

I'm trying to give you my best, so that no matter how I do, it won't be received with sighs of what-ifs and silenced Ishouldhaves. I want to be able to say, God, that's my absolute best. It's yours.

Is that so wrong?

Greatest Day

2008-11-18T20:27:00.002+08:00

Greatest Day - Take That

This is my new favourite song and it reminds me of Coldplay. The perfect song for a starry winter night on a park bench in hoodies. Close your eyes and feel the cool air on your skin.

What's really funny is the message at the beginning. Don't record this and put it on the internet, kids. Don't pirate music, you'll go to jail.

Look where it is now. HAHAHA. Wonder where those kids are. Haha.

Productive Escape

2008-11-17T22:49:00.005+08:00

If I were choosing an escape, I'd rather it be working hard than dropping my duty as a student.

Because I did the latter when I felt the lowest of lows in the past and that was a complete waste of time. If you waste your life, waste it being blinded by productivity and thinking you are strong enough to go alone.

At least when you finally have your Damascan experience you haven't lost footholds by the world's standards.

I believe that God exists. Sometimes I'm just stubborn to instruction and disagree with certain things.

It's like this particular fixation of perception. Like how I spotted a grammar mistake on the bulletin. You miss the whole point, which is the message it carries, but you KNOW you're missing the whole point.

There's just the choice to shift that perception back through His eyes, to see the greater destiny that was preached over the pulpit.

But I understand the cost for that destiny. Too damn selfish to pay the price.

I sound worse than a person who is angry at God, who refuses to accept Him. I've rationalised my way around His destiny for our lives. Now THAT'S screwed up.

Haha, what a wall I've built. Give up.

Grace

2008-11-16T20:26:00.003+08:00

As various projects and assignments are graded and returned, God has been more than gracious. I thank Him for that, but I still bash myself for being so damn myopic and self-centred this whole semester.

I want to be truly able to say this is not by my own strength, without that smirk of pride in my heart that only He sees.

When you have prepared well for a paper, and that self-induced confidence takes over, you will not be able to exercise faith in the small things because pride has overcrowded the space in your heart meant for His grace. That, is the thorn of self-sufficiency.

It's funny because sometimes we want to feel God, to know that He is with us, our peace and rock in times of stress and need. But we go about creating for ourselves these bubbles, armed in experience of past-year paper crunching which empowers our minds but belittles the simple faith.

Where there is self there is no room for faith.

I KNOW I'm an idiot for thinking and feeling like this. It'll be so much easier to say: God, I really did my best, put in all that effort, but I know that your plans are guiding this life and I commit this life to you and I take joy in that. Amen.

But no, I've to be such a control freak. I can't believe how HARD it is to kneel at His feet.

In complete honesty, who am I proving myself to? Myself? For all those years of academic underachievement? Maybe. To spite God? For all those years I felt robbed by an organisation?

All these ugly things are being surfaced through this somehow, and it's quite strange. Somehow I know I just need to be able to love God and love people again, and this will all work out. But in COMPLETE honesty, I'm just too damn lazy because it really takes the life out of me.

Here, there it is, I'm a self-centred jerk. This is why I am incapable of receiving His love, and love in general.

Hebrews 3:7-15
So, as the Holy Spirit says: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me
and for forty years saw what I did. That is why I was angry with that generation, and I said,

'Their hearts are always going astray, and they have not known my ways.' So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.' "

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness. We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first. As has just been said:

"Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion."

I KNOW I KNOW. But it's damn hard.

Hi

2008-11-14T01:07:00.002+08:00

Studying is a way of life now. 830am hit the library study til lunch, eat, study til dinner, study til now. This is just some garble on lessons gleaned from the act of studying, about how life really is measured by the level of personal response, and ultimately, not whether your answer is the most theoretically correct.

And I think, that's it right there. University gives me the impression that exams now evaluate you on a higher platform of so-called "correctness". It is no longer confined to an absolute marking scheme and they are looking for "breakthroughs of insight" based solely on your personal digestion of the subject matter.

I faced this question in my IT paper, which was a shocker to most: Based on the lectures provided by the guest speakers on 8th Oct 2008, name two IT systems that have helped their companies achieve operational effectiveness and guided them toward their strategic goals. [10 marks]

People didn't even GO for that lecture, and for those who did, most slept right through it.

So all I'm saying is, Welcome to the Real World.

Ignorance

2008-11-10T20:05:00.003+08:00

is bliss?

Over the years, everything in ministry was a result of experience, methodical execution and process-learning. I learnt last night in a sermon that this isn't faith. It is repetitive drudgery, when you don't walk away from the stale and comfortable.

So I'm quite glad it has all been put down.

Now I'm trying to understand what I believe in, and not just be part of it because there's a need in the organisation, or simply because you've always lived in the comfort of a sheltered faith.

The chicken's gotta cross the road, away from the stench of stagnation and blind commitment. I need to be able to choose faith.

The End of the Beginning

2008-11-03T21:05:00.006+08:00

Today marks the end of the last project and the last quiz of the semester, which also means Hello first major paper in 3 years next Wednesday.

We are who we make ourselves to be - so much less than ordained to be in the Heavens.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I didn't. I tidied up my presentation speech, read through the summaries of the tested chapters for my quiz, played some PSP, I even picked up Bill Hybel's Axiom to maybe find a spark. Bill lost me at the cost and passion of leadership. Last year, those words would jump off the page and excite my Spirit, but I felt so far-starved from His presence there was nothing for it to fall on.

I made it through today, through a presentation and quiz that I should have by all human means fallen asleep in. But I didn't. Both went pretty well actually.

I don't deserve this. There's this defiant part of me that wants to reject all grace because I DON'T want it when I can be who I make myself to be. I don't care if it makes me less than I can be in God but it at least I know what my MINIMUM capacity is.

I don't know if I'm making sense, but I know this is ultimately not going to end well.

It's damn lame it's like driving into a wall wanting to get hurt to bleed, to feel an awesome helplessness and brokenness so I know what it means to be able to receive love again, albeit passively, seeping into the cracks and gashes in the walls I've built around my heart.

Aiya just go study.

Leave out All the Rest - Linkin Park

Some lyrics strike a chord, others just exist as chaff and leave nothing but ripples over water in its resonance.

Articulated Realisation

2008-11-02T19:41:00.004+08:00

I met up with Davi.dKoh yesterday to just, talk.

I realised a few things while articulating my current condition.

1) Allowing ~~people~~ God to move ahead and deciding to stay put in your current position is passive escapism and is a sure track to disillusionment.

Failure to follow God means His anointing has left you because he has empowered someone else who was willing to obey. The thing is, when God calls you He doesn't expect you to be able to do it by your own strength. In fact, when you disobey you are left to live by your own strength in most ways.

Now the question is, why in the world would anyone reject His divine providence and strength by NOT walking in His will?

Stupidity, I guess.

2) I am in a self-induced reduced state: disobedience by hesitance.
3) We're all like that sometimes.

Verdict: This is lame.

Reticence

2008-10-31T16:04:00.001+08:00

Reticence is the heart of wisdom and the death of love.

Announcement

2008-10-30T21:59:00.002+08:00

By the time the exams arrive, I'll be doing my papers with a hairband to keep my fringe from falling over my eyes.

Time Personified

2008-10-26T03:03:00.004+08:00

If every hour of the day had a name, and you spent it getting to know him/her, wouldn't the day pass by so quickly?

24 people, each unique, all accented in different flavours and swathed in emotion and colour.

I'd awake to Jake, hair matted and ruffled from slumber, a chore to wake. As the hour passes I'd find Martha, jolted by the need for busy efficiency, prepping a sandwich while drying her hair from her shower, bracing herself to face the day.

Joshua stands victorious, with his hair gelled back and with a coat in hand, struts out the front door to face the war at work. Andrew stands out in a discussion, with arms flailing and exaggerated gestures, taking all means to have himself asserted.

Marie sits at lunch in a bubble, rejuvenating her soul required for ... Janice, who wastes no time in resuming the agenda for the day after lunch. Then there's Joel and Jonathan, who head out to the field for a hard game of soccer and hit the showers, ravenous for dinner.

Laura speaks of her day in recollection, simmering down the day's activities in a pan of words, feeding Sharon, who just wants some quality time after a mad day of rushing.

Michael needs no words, just a cup of soothing tea to go with the day's news will suffice and is enough to sustain him. Sarah dries her hair while reading a book in her armchair. Little Brandon lies tucked in his sheets, awaiting a dream to nestle in his hair and to stay with him through the night.

It's 3am. Nick is ruffled, with post-its covering his skin, telling him what he has yet to do and/or should have done by/in this weekend.

I am going to meet many, many, many different personalities by the end of Sunday.

I want to be Brandon the most.

Finding Peace, Finding God

2008-10-25T00:15:00.003+08:00

I'm feel really tired. It's not a physical thing. I just need a spiritual/emotional/psychological boost. I don't want to burn out before the exams. I hope I'm not running away from the possibility of a letdown.

Goodnight.

Romans 8: 5-8
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind controlled by the sinful nature is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace. The sinful mind is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.

I think there are many facets of my mind still bound by sin. It's sapping me of much joy and drive.

The fear of failure is the fear of life. The fear of the Lord, however, brings life.

Why fear life at all when you could just be God-fearing?

Fear

2008-10-21T13:03:00.004+08:00

Nonchalence is the mask of fear. We pretend to not care about the things which we fear the most.

The Measure of Success

2008-10-18T01:05:00.015+08:00

There was a time when we all lived beyond expectations and surprised the world.

Ask your parents when they last felt proud of something that you did beyond expectation.

Symbolic events they would mention would probably include the utterance of the first sound from your lips which they would fight over, trying to determine whether it rhymed more with "Dad" or "Mum". Then of course, the triumph of your first step, the recording of your first birthday, the miracle of your first tooth, your first expression of joy when you opened your first gift, and the seemingly non-exhaustive list would probably be no problem for them to recall.

Those little triumphs of growth could be easily earmarked by parents though other children probably got taller faster, learnt to read quicker, and spoke earlier. But they probably weren't concerned with competition at that point in time. They were just so fixated of the magic of you.

Hence, it must be qualified that the success of growth to a parent is taken rather myopically and selfishly. "He is my child, obviously I would be delighted even though "Durd" sounds nothing like "Dad"." They believe that moment was special and a considerable success. The rate at which other kids were obtaining the same milestones would be considered irrelevant to them, then.

Therefore, it can be construed that given an indeterminate amount of time to achieve something, we would all eventually get there.

So if we were to qualify success, the first consideration is the rate of growth, the speed in which we grasp things around us becomes a key consideration to the measurement of success.

Secondly, cross-referencing to the example of parents who disregard the rate of which other children obtain the same success, they award you with the same affirmation like you were the first baby on earth to say "Dad", of which "Durd" isn't even nearly accurate. Affirmation plays a key role in your acknowledgement of your achievement as a success.

Let's keep these two considerations of success in mind as we continue: (1) Rate of growth and (2) affirmation of achievement as a success.

Essentially, I believe growth of any kind equals success. You are a success if you are better today than yesterday.

The problem is, sometimes we don't do anything today that guarantees we are better people from yesterday. We aren't doing anything today that propels us to grow. I believe that's how people feel depressed and worthless. They don't feel the magic of growth (1) and the affirmation (2) that comes with it.

Unfortunately, in the current day and age, success is cordoned very explicitly and measured by concrete results determined by examinations; facts and numbers as in the case of job performance. This doesn't help the self-esteem of students and professionals alike who simply cannot absorb information fast enough to reproduce a polished result. For instance, there is no value awarded if you can vaguely explain a concept but fail to mention a key word. The flaw of this system of is that people are branded incapable when bad grades/performances simply mean they take a longer time to digest and present information in a given form.

Moreover, authorities fail to understand that and do not award these "failures" as successes of growth like they did when you were younger. You studied for the paper, you grew in knowledge at the very least. The failure was in effectively presenting it but that is a skill that requires time which simply wasn't given or afforded.

The problem is self-compounding, considering the growing stresses and competition in this day and age. The benchmark of examinations/professional evaluation is not going to change, everyone will inevitably be ranked according to examinative/executive ability. Nonetheless, I think the affirmation of growth could be very much improved.

I believe, if affirmation is not awarded unconditionally by our loved-ones, we're heading for a very depressed generation measured by a bell-curve. The current performance evaluators in place hold no regard for personal self-esteem.

And that is why, in this era, the love of Jesus makes so much more sense, because it fills the void put in us by the standards of this world.

Jesus sees your heart. If you love Him more each day it is your growing towards Him and He is surely delighted. But, He doesn't care if you love Him less, He loves you just the same.

Isn't that what we all need in the end?

Someone to love us despite our ability/successes/failings?

Why is it so hard to see that?

I hereby conclude, that there is only one source of unchanging love which is free of judgment. Jesus lets you know that you are made perfect in His image, and that all your failings AND successes on earth will be nothing when you're going to spend eternity with Him in heaven. God's love spans from Adam to your children's children's children's ... etc. You get the drift. That's the duration marked out by his arms outstretched on the cross. He loves us with the intensity of His blood dripping from his forehead to his toes.

So why bother measuring earthly success, or failure for that matter, when Jesus gave us His blood that saves us and guarantees us an eternity with Him?

You know what, I'm going to study to the best of my ability (even if my results are comparatively less brilliant), but not before I love You first.

The measure of success, is love. I think this is why I couldn't sleep that night. In the end, the walls of the mind could never contain the volume of His voice and His call to love like He did.

I'm sorry for mixing that up over the past two months.

Baby-steps. I should stop discounting emotions.

Heartstrings

2008-10-15T11:45:00.003+08:00

When there's a maelstrom of words cackling and spluttering, nobody feels like penning them down because they're such a chore to articulate in an orderly fashion.

Basically, I couldn't sleep last night and I couldn't figure out why. I narrowed it down to it being a spirit-tussle. It is when God deliberately makes life obvious to you. And this time, I think He tried to resurrect the fact that we are all made emotive, even if in the smallest of compositions.

People have emotional needs, therefore fulfil them, even if not for yourself.

Being jaded is an excuse for the laziness of the heart to express itself. Laziness is easy, therefore being jaded is the easiest way to reject commitment.

I've a lazy heart. God wanted to slap it in action.

Any action following a wake-up call is however, driven solely by choice. You could always put an alarm to snooze-mode and wait for it to ring again.

The fact is, it will ring again.

Proof

2008-10-08T04:23:00.004+08:00

Hi I'm entering this post as proof to myself that I've endured multiple 20 hour days.

I slept at 530am doing a project with my group the day before, into the wee hours of Tuesday morning. I was up since 830am ~~today~~ yesterday (Tuesday) to attend a Busine.ssLaw presentation discussion, after which I had 4hours of lectures til 430pm. We then continued with our Accounti.ng Project due today (Wednesday) which we officially finished at 10pm. Studied/worked. I've to be up by 8am today (Wednesday) for a lesson which I've worked for til now.

Tomorrow after the tutorial at 1030am, we've to add/edit final touches to project, submission by 1pm. Afterwhich, I've a 2 hour IT lecture. After that ends, it's down to another Fin.ancialManagement(FM) Project, which is due Sunday.

On Thursday, I've my Bus.inessLaw presentation. Afterwhich, FM project til the death.

I love my week.

Good~~night~~ morning.

After these two weeks I can testify that God can see us through 20 hour days by His grace. And nothing is impossible for Him.

Sleepless in NTU

2008-10-07T22:16:00.003+08:00

I now hereby declare week 2 of sleepless nights and long days!

And this, is my solace and release.

After numerous essays and projects sealed, closed and dusted, I've come to realise I don't enjoy formal report writing as much as I thought I would. Sentences start to brace themselves rigid, conforming to essay requirements and guidelines and the word counts limit flamboyant language and elaboration. Everything is shrunk and crystallised in simplicity. Citations and references are tedious, a test of one's tenacity to finish the paper well. I believe the art of formal writing is a skill worth having, but is unfortunately, an unbearably bland one.

It has been reduced to getting from Point A to B in the most succinct manner: the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

I soon realised that I probably wouldn't end up being a very good academic writer if I took up an Arts major, because I don't think I'd thoroughly enjoy the process.

Exams and academic papers are a poor way to measure personal flair because passionate opinion is doused by time limits and report requirements. There is insufficient time to soak in the subject in order to produce an inspired response.

Of course you could argue that the objective of time-constrained examinations and projects is to test cognitive speed and to evaluate personal response as a gauge of retained knowledge and not to inspire prize-winning essays on philosophical insight.

But that's just plain boring. :(

Here's a big cheer for formal group reports. One down, one more to go before this week can end.

YNWA

2008-10-06T01:25:00.002+08:00

hello everyone.

YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE.

I'd like to quote my roomie: Liverpool is the most Christian club I've seen. They're humble, they never give up, and they always seem to have some divine help.

Which is why the weekend was totally awesome. Of course, this isn't discounting good fellowship and a God-given rest. But come on, a 3-2 comeback from being 2-0 down at half time has to take some credit hahaha. :)

Here's to a new week, all refreshed! :)

Choosing to Draw Near

2008-10-02T21:47:00.006+08:00

The week isn't over, and already I've managed to survive on 3hrs of sleep in the last 48 hours. Tonight I do not foresee much sleep either. Two quizzes down, one went well, the other was a shamble of careless mistakes compounded by a tough paper. I'm 60% through a 2000 word essay due tomorrow, but I feel I just need a short time of reprieve. I'm going to spend time with God.

A part of me believes in the importance of putting in the effort for a good grade before God can even bless and multiply, and yet He's shown that sometimes you just cannot deny the favour of God. I've found that surrender to His love and grace is the only way we do not find ourselves burning out prematurely.

I'm glad my roomie is emotionally astute. There are times when we're studying and he says bro, let's take some time off and spend time with God. It brings such a balance to (my) faith. And we'll just read the Bible, discuss what's on our hearts (for him) and mind (for me), and we'll pray for each other. I think that act of deliberate surrender trumps those long hours of study for personal gain.

No matter how demanding school gets, there will always be a way if it is wholly surrendered to God. Of course, make sure you put in an effort and not solely rely on His providence, because that would be taking God for granted.

I believe He is more than enough for me, and He goes beyond all limitations of this world to love His children if when ~~they~~ we choose to draw near to Him.

n00b

2008-09-29T21:38:00.004+08:00

Even though this week is quite hellish, having already conquered one quiz today with another coming up on Thursday and a 2000 word Business.Law Essay due on Friday and projects due next Monday, there will always be time for NOOBS on beloved failblog.org.

I am becoming a hermit noob hahaha.

I'm so glad I have a Christian roomie who prays with me and for me for the smallest things of the day and everything is alright. :) AND BOY AM I GLAD THERE'S NO SCHOOL ON WEDNESDAY MUGMUGMUGMUGMUG.

I'm trying to download Season 3 of House but damn those bittorrent seeds.

Peace, out.

Wheels

2008-09-28T23:47:00.005+08:00

I don't like driving because I don't like shouldering the responsibility for the lives of others. With power and freedom comes great risk and I don't appreciate the volume of that risk.

It's so much easier just living for yourself. A mistake at most, costs a lone life.

Yet it is such a cowardly act, to live and die alone. Stepping up and taking responsibility requires an unbelievable magnitude of self-abandonment, which I, am naturally adverse to.

Cowardice is masked behind seemingly calculated caution.

Life is thrust upon you, in full weight beckoning ownership and a positive response. You could run, but life always catches up.

Every Man

2008-09-27T00:25:00.000+08:00

by Casting Crowns

I'm the man with all I've ever wanted
All the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday
I am your daughter's favorite teacher
I am the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am every man

I'm the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time
I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life
I'm every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife

Is there hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man
Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man

Seems there's just so many roads to travel, it's hard to tell where they will lead
My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled
Now I'm scared to take the leap
If I could find someone to follow who knows my pain and feels the weight
The uncertainty of my tomorrow, the guilt and pain of yesterday

There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man
There is Love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand?
Jesus is hope for every man

Discipline

2008-09-23T18:44:00.002+08:00

Seek freedom and become a slave to your desires, seek discipline and find liberation.

Be reminded daily of who we serve and remain faithful, for what is life without choice and toil to bridge the gap between goals and reality? Obstacles are what we see when we take our eyes off the goal.

Inspire me, God, in your love.

Hello World

2008-09-23T00:17:00.008+08:00

I'm back.

I went for the Advanced Course without a buddy because she pulled out due to personal reasons which I've no business to disclose. Therefore I decided to wield a predetermined air of introspection before the trip even started. I wasn't very inspired to actively make new friends this time round because honestly, I was looking for a break and small talk just takes up too much time and energy.

There wasn't the oohs-and-aahs of the Basic Course, a good time with buddies you've known for two years. There wasn't the excitement of a brand new experience packaged in bubbles and nice wetsuits.

I just wanted to dive, to be alone in a big space.

Honestly in retrospect, I didn't give my buddy particular attention during the dives. Of course I carried out dutifully my allocated responsibilities and buddy checks but I really didn't want to over-involve myself in his dive, to see the things he was showing me, to follow everyone else.

I just wanted to swim in unpredictability and be surprised by God and whatever He's trying to show me or say to me.

I really took my time with the dives, just resting in the water without expectation and agendas. I wasn't beside the DiveMaster (DM), trying to catch everything he was showing us. In fact, there were times when I was the one alerting the DM when I saw a HUGE blue-grey lobster, a grouper in the wreck and some Spanish Dancers. Everyone would swim to the spot to catch a glimpse of it. The silt then powdered up, fogged the entire area and nobody got to fully enjoy the moment. What a waste.

I still don't feel recharged actually, because 1) Recess Week is NOT rest. 2) I still had to have small talk with people. They're nice but I wasn't in a particularly nice sociable frame of mind. Plus I had a really bad headache and an extremely uncomfortable stiff neck after the first 4 dives. I skipped the deep dive because I wasn't at all comfortable going down to 30meters feeling something like popcorn in a microwave.

Lesson 1: Know and acknowledge your limits, it doesn't make you a lesser person. Pride comes before a fall, and in this case, death.

I really like Wreck Dives though. They're very charming in an odd mysterious way. I try imagining deaths and people and how ships, though structurally sound in all our human-reason and engineering can be silenced by the depth. It is humbling and yet, so true. The ship I saw was of good size and it was so captivating through the curtain of silt and microorganisms that drew apart as I swam towards the wreck. The body of the boat was lying in two places and it was split right down the middle. Visibility was poor and the whole environment was quite gloomy which was in my book, pretty cool and added to the mystery of the experience.

(I of course found out later that they sometimes condemn old ships to the seabed on purpose, which was slightly disappointing but my following discursive still stands nonetheless.)

Lesson 2: It reminds you that everything is temporal and that actually, nobody remembers your successes and failures a few generations after you die. Like a ship, you'll be reduced to a few planks and steel reinforcements at the bottom of the seabed of time. I think C.S. Lewis said this: We do not have a spirit, we are a Spirit. We have a body. Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.

All questions and especially reason, point to the existence and magnificence of God. I just want to receive from God now.

And I think I'll end with C.S. Lewis' declaration:
I gave in, and admitted that God was God.

Checklist

2008-09-16T02:18:00.005+08:00

Checklist for the period 13-16 September 2008

Completed:
-Cell Guide for 13/09/08
-Chapters 1-4 for Accounting quiz (10% of final grade) on 17/09/08, 1900hrs
-All required Knowledge Reviews for Advanced Diving Course on 19/09/08
-Liverpool wins Man United 2-1, celebrated at Brewerks

To-Do as of 16/09/08:
-Chapter 5 for Accounting + Practice Questions
-Submit Knowledge Reviews to Dive Center by 16/09/08 1800hrs. Sian, must travel to Outram.
-Accounting Tutorial 6 which is NOT tested for quiz, therefore resulting in reluctance to complete
-FM Essay 4, Project work, which should be preferably completed before I leave on 19/09/08 for Tioman
-Biz Law (Torts) and Tutorial Catch-Up, which is totally unrelated to quiz, therefore last of 1st Tier priorities

2nd Tier Priorities:
-Scrabble/Boggle Training, 2000hrs
-Cheerleading Workshop, in which I've been invited to provide some tumbling expertise. I hope it means I just have to teach them. Unfortunately, I highly doubt that.

2nd Tier activities are on the brink of omission the sake of the quiz. Counting the opportunity cost of participating in hall activities and spending time with friends, it just might be permissible to forgo aforementioned less important activities.

Driving Reservations/ERP with a tiny moustache

2008-09-12T01:59:00.001+08:00

This is why I have my reservations about driving, SO EXPENSIVE. Hahahaha.

Grace

2008-09-10T03:40:00.003+08:00

Those who live by faith are truly liberated, because the unhappiest people on earth are the ones who cannot tolerate disappointment as a direct fault of uncertainty. Meticulous planning nearly always includes contingencies. Contingency plans have their own contingency plans. They plan to avoid failure by planning for it.

I'm like that. There is always a Plan B, an alternate route, a secondary focus in the event the primary fails. I like my options open, I like the freedom of independence precisely because of this. After weighing the risks of all your options and planning the sequence in which you'd attempt them, you then free yourself to dive head-first into all these fields in a particular order. Everything works out even in the event of one failure. There is never one point of failure where the whole structure implodes. There is always a life-line, a breath of fresh air wrapped in a bubble.

Maybe that's why I have certain issues with commitment. Long-term commitments (ministry, relationships, marriage, CARS, etc), require much thinking and ordering, which I honestly, lack the drive to even start thinking about because I know what it takes to plan AND execute these planned flowcharts (Hahaha I can't believe I just categorised relationships and marriage under FLOWCHART). It's like being handed a blank piece of white paper and tasked to draw a mind-map of The Principles and Procedures of Accounting (OMG I JUST REALISED I NEED TO DO THAT SOON), and THEN, apply the principles captured in the mind-map in a closed-book exam.

Yes, it's The Ultimate Sian Feeling.

And I think that's why I struggle with faith. Yes, yes, it is being sure of what is unseen, but I naturally plan for the unknown and unseen, so yeah, I'm quite sure of the unseen even without having faith.

Having faith means having the patience to appreciate God's timing in fulfilling our deepest desires. Planners have no patience. Coupled with low mercy-quotients we are basically ruthless with failed options and closed doors. With a heave and a lift it is thrown backward, over the top of our heads and it is all forward from there.

As you can tell I'm still trying to reconcile my life with the importance of an unwavering faith. But there is one portion of God's love I can fathom - Grace.

When you don't deserve it, when you think you don't even need it, God surprises you and chooses to bless you. Nobody has done that for me in a long time, and God, I truly appreciate it. :)

FAIL

2008-09-04T23:59:00.004+08:00

Hi everyone. Courtesy of Mr Lim Ten.gJin I have found a brand new source of stress-relief and amusement. It is a ton of FAIL found here: http://failblog.org

Here's a preview:

HAHAHAHA GENIUS. WHO CARES WHETHER IT'S PHOTOSHOPPED HAHAHAHA. -falls off chair-

Scrabble/Boggle

2008-09-02T23:57:00.006+08:00

Hahaha I must blog this. I just took part in my first Scrabble Competition EVER. There were time limits and laptops to verify challenged words leh. I got whooped 340 to 440 by a Senior who is actually also 21. She's mad she memorises 3-letter words. But although I got owned they apparently still want me to come for Scrabble Training to "zhng" my 2-letter and 3-letter word vocabulary which is very crucial in order to get CRAZY points.

Omg Scrabble Training sounds totally awesome.

My first task issued by the Captain: Memorise all the 2-letter words possible in Scrabble. Hahahaha.

2 letter words:

AA AB AD AE AG AH AI AL AM AN AR AS AT AW AX AY BA BE BI BO BY DE DO EF EH EL EM EN ER ES ET EX FA GO HA HE HI HM HO IF IN IS IT JO KA LA LI LO MA ME MI MM MO MU MY NA NE NO NU OD OE OF OH OM ON OP OR OS OW OX OY PA PE PI RE SH SI SO TA TI TO UH UM UN UP US UT WE WO XI XU YA YE YO YU ZO ZA

Velocity

2008-09-01T02:07:00.009+08:00

The faster you run, the harder and longer you fall. There's also the added inconvenience of having to re-invest the equal amount of energy lost on the fall to get back up to speed.

It sucks when you stop running and die down to a walk.

I've got nothing much to say, really. My life isn't as efficient as I'd like it to be. I do try to study, but I've come to find that what I do is only enough to keep me afloat on a weekly basis. It hasn't reached a point where I'm ahead of readings and consistently questioning the theories/tutorials in greater depth. It's not very fun just keeping up. I usually aim to finish the week's tutorials before the week officially starts but I often don't accomplish that. Maybe 50% la but I find that as more information comes in during the following week's lectures, that 50% head start gets engulfed anyway because I have to re-digest information and it goes back to square one. I'm not even bringing in projects because there is a element of uncertainty in group work that you shouldn't fight to control because we're all but human. Humans err, and are therefore, wavering. The level of work accomplished has become a marker of how well my week has gone.

With regards to more questionable areas and moral benchmarks, my life isn't as sound as I'd like it to be either. In the context of The University Experience, you generally have to be more accepting of social norms and be somewhat desensitised before even agreeing to late night suppers and other random social obligations. It does have you question certain behaviors and words and how all of THAT is acceptable. I know I'm being very vague here but I guess post-clubbing reflections are quite eye-opening.

In summary, boyfriend is at club without girlfriend. You're there with a group of friends. Boyfriend makes advances on one of the other girls in the group. Girl responds. I ask girl if she knows he's attached. She said, Yes, and why do you ask?

Like, O_o"?! Why do I ask, you say?

And a new week starteth. This week, I shall not succumb to the temptations of general procrastination, whatever that means. Also, I will NOT study with my laptop by my notes. I hereby condemn MSN Messenger pop-ups.

In other grievances, Torres AND Gerrard are injured. AND in today's bore draw Benitez decided to sub BENAYOUN for ROBBIE KEANE?! Hello Babel is so much more incisive than the frail Benayoun and Lucas was utterly ineffective you should have subbed Lucas for Babel lah. I think Liverpool could have won against Villa if Keane and Babel were on the pitch in the last 10 minutes argh. Yet another frustrating performance by the Reds. >:( The next two weeks are NOT looking good for Liverpool with Man U coming up this is sad to the max. :(

The Service of Education

2008-08-23T17:35:00.010+08:00

Education serves to categorically impart knowledge, to awaken an awareness which will hopefully be applied not just in our careers, but also in our lives. Knowledge exists in many forms: as structured arguments that present distilled logic, as the artistry of creating, challenging and pioneering a new front, or simply weighing the pros and cons of a situation and adapting to it in the best possible way.

Ideas inspire and words are captivating - nourishment for the mind and soothing to the soul - but they only serve intrinsic purposes if they aren't translated into action.

The fact is, schools don't teach us how to love, they don't teach us compassion directly, but I don't blame them. We are already equipped by knowledge and our thoughts are challenged to grow with an astute situational awareness, be it globally or in our spheres of influence. So why should we expect academia to provide us with opportunities that challenge love and compassion too? That onus to execute change and to deliberately love is on us, and I think education has done its job when an individual can recognise that and not attribute the lack of platforms to do so as a failure of the system.

We've to expand our vision beyond the limitations of education. Education has to have its boundaries too because it is limited by time and physical resources to allow us to pursue all our convictions and desires. But we should not be disheartened, because we have a hope. There will be seasons and all we have to do is embrace those seasons. Do not judge a season by expecting green meadows and tulip fields in winter, because that would mean disillusionment. Winter brings a different set of focuses and questions, and different fields of joy. We find comfort in front of a fireplace, in a mug of hot chocolate and then going outside and rolling in the snow. We have to identify these small joys and embrace them, because we cannot change the season.

Education teaches within its boundaries, but we choose our actions and attitudes, and ultimately we choose how we live as we push beyond those boundaries. We do retain a control, but we can only fully exercise it in the future when we eventually gain more experience and influence to act according to the conditions of the season. Therefore education is but a season, where we must learn to embrace the small joys of competition and learning and not gripe over workloads and politicking because it is all part and parcel of this process.

Basically, University life is awesome. :)

Affection

2008-08-20T23:59:00.004+08:00

I think I'm quite wary of affection, much less giving it. But I think affection is a deep human gift, and I care, ~~only~~ when it counts the most.

I am jealously guarded, but God has a way of re-opening deep wells of humanity.

Hi

2008-08-19T01:13:00.009+08:00

Hi everyone this is a random update. I managed to finish two tutorials tonight and I've a project that I've to consolidate by Wednesday and one more Tutorial due on Thursday (which I haven't finished) and there's this Boggle competition tomorrow night that I'm drooling over so as you can see Uni life is very much like this one sentence, absolutely filled. I like activities that carry personal challenge and discomfort and also, academia, because I love the need to know more, grow more. It keeps life on its toes :)

NTUC's going to be held in my room this Wednesday night! :) Love cell in schools. :)

You know, I heard a comment recently: "I can't stand melancholics. I don't understand why they feel the way they feel." I laughed at myself because I know exactly how it feels but in retrospect I felt that way just because it was the only way I knew how to respond at that time and haha I feel so silly being so narrow-minded. The world's a big place, for big dreams, for a big God, and we limit ourselves by our human emotions? Pass.

What happens when you get knocked down? You get up and bleed walking.

As a side note, I'm getting really bored of this layout.

Randy Pausch Last Lecture: Achieving Your Childhood Dreams

2008-08-16T10:30:00.005+08:00

If only all university lectures were like this. :)

Book Crazy!

2008-08-10T18:47:00.017+08:00

The sister and I went on a book-spree at the Border's Fair today. 30% off all titles - with the retail price already slashed to as low as $4 - made for fast hands and the empowered liberation to grab any book by any author as long as the synopsis on the back-cover was remotely appealing. I hope most don't disappoint!

$85 for 20 books and an additional 2 books at $12.95. Approximate total spent: $110. $5 average cost per book! MAJOR STEAL! :D

These titles were picked out by the sister and went through a synopsis-vetting by me, all at $4! So after the 30% discount they were only $2.80 each! :)
1) Life Class by Pat Barker
2) Every Second Counts by Donald McRae
3) Protection by Claire Allen
4) Love Over Scotland by Alexander McCall Smith
5) A Pair of Silver Wings by James Holland
6) C'est La Folie by Michael Wright
7) Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks by Christopher Brookmyre
8) Beginning of Was by Ania Szado

Then I picked out some non-fiction to balance out the palate, also $4 each:
9) Making Globalisation Work by Joseph Stiglitz
10) The Stuff of Thought by Steven Pinker

Ok then another few titles of fiction for me, $4 too:
11) Ingenious Pain by Andrew Miller
12) The Ingenious Edgar Jones by Elizabeth Garner

13) Breaking Dawn by Stephenie Meyer (This was $12.95 because it is a comparatively newer title)

The rest cost $7.95, all of which Nat picked out:
14) The Cloud Chamber by Clare George
15) The Bones in the Womb by Patricia Tyrrell
16) Rise and Shine by Anna Quindlen
17) The Innocent by Posie Greame-Evans
18) January Colours by Curtis Adler

Dad bought a couple, mostly business-related:
19) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey ($12.95)
20) What Colour is Your Parachute by Richard Nelson Bolles ($8)
21) Guitar Chords (!?) ($11.95)

And Mum got her favourite:
22) Sudoku: 200 Puzzles from Medium to Hard ($5.95)

Our library just exploded so I think we're pretty happy people now. :)

In other news, I think I'm struggling with transition decisions with respect to ministry and personal dreams. New doors have been smashed open, fresh faces and opportunities have flooded my senses, so I'm currently trying to catalogue and organise this whole new experience. It'll take time. I still believe that God will reward the faithful with the small, and I acknowledge that the self-propelled pursuit of greatness and self-fulfillment will never be able to equal the blessings you receive through humbled, committed ministry, but I need the time to be still and listen to what God has to say. Honestly, the past two weeks have been a time of raw data collection - events, people, administration - and I haven't deliberately tried to wait on God. In retrospect, that was probably detrimental to my level of faith and relationship with Him but I'm human, I'm not perfect either. So I guess I need to stop introducing new events and faces and just sift through what I have right now and lay it all out at the cross.

Week 1 is over. The work starts NOW (or should have already started like my mugger friends have since demonstrated to me). And I know this for sure: I don't have everything in control. But I guess, that's where faith comes in, to trust God in the unknown and for His providence when you are faithful with what He has ordained in your life.

So, what are my priorities this season? God, what have you ordained this season?

There have been flashes of random thoughts and points of contention during this time, but they don't linger long enough to have any form of moral impact. Fleeting revelations - blatant in irony - which do not translate to lasting moral value and therefore actions, manifesting as deliberate changes in my life.

I think my questions arise out of fear, a wall to shield myself from the magnitude of His love and purpose. I'm avoiding long-term commitment because I fear it, I fear commitment to the body of Christ because I know I will feel the same loneliness and ugliness that I did in previous years of ministry simply because having faith is hard, loving God and His people is hard. I think for all the head-knowledge and rational thought processes that I possess, I fear the glorious fluctuation and strength that the power of love can influence, which cannot be tamed by the chains of sheer thought. I think that scares me, because it is the one thing I know I will not be able to control. I think there is a fear to love God, fully undignified.

I think I've finally found the words to express the root issue, and this is it: the fear to love boundlessly, wholly surrendered to You. Or it could simply be: The fear of love and to love.

Networking

2008-08-07T00:06:00.008+08:00

It is everything that I expected. A barrage of fresh faces, intoxicating freedom, a new depth of loneliness.

My room-mate has gone home because he has no lessons tomorrow, so he left his Mac in hall and has kindly released it to me for the night.

I've written over this space three times because whatever I wrote here was absolutely appalling. Basically the issue I'm struggling with is this: can the purpose of deliberate networking ever be outward-looking and unselfish?

I tried to justify deliberate networking in a very neutral Christian-like way but I realised that's just rubbish. Pui I can't believe I even thought of justifying it. Omg this is frightening. If the purpose is flawed and selfish how can the act of deliberate networking ever be justifiable? Should extroversion then, with the exception of igniting a cause or spreading a message that does good to humanity at large, be questioned as an innate flaw to purely benefit oneself by utilising the strengths/influence/intelligence of others?

I got all the notes for my whole semester from a Senior today, and to credit her, are extremely helpful because they're pretty organised, complete with Mock Papers and Tutorials. I am undoubtedly grateful to God for bringing these people into my life, but I can't help but think and find disturbing that I chose to be extroverted for the past two weeks precisely to receive these rewards of networking, which I admit, was a core reason for me attending all those camps.

We are all schemers.

Back to School

2008-07-31T21:20:00.004+08:00

I am wary of change because I understand the sheer amount of logistics involved in physically administering transition. Transition means uprooting. Uprooting means planning and execution. Execution means chores, duties, general administration and possible hiccups. It also means striking up conversations with new people, accommodating their lives by sharing yours, exchanging a friendly smile to seal and acknowledge that we're all on our own, quivering with excitement and uncertainty. It means moving out and moving on.

Independence is a drastic change, and I feel mildly unprepared for it.

Today, I realised, is the end of life's holiday - and you thought army was tough! Hello, they ISSUED you a whole dufflebag of items that I now need to BUY and PACK. They gave you bedsheets and blankets, a nice ceiling fan, singlets, shirts and shorts. Hell they even gave you a haircut! THEY GAVE YOU FREE FOOD, AND EVEN PAID YOU.

Boo. Now I need to buy a laptop, some bedsheets, nice clothes, and get a haircut. Hurray for academic conscription! Let's see whether I have as much fun as I did in the army.

Suddenly I don't have the capacity (or time) to discuss issues on this blog anymore. The words are better utilised in conversations, and they probably mean more there. So many issues have been thrown out and wrestled over in various conversations over the past month and a summary post doesn't justify the intensity in which all those issues were contested with various peoople. Monologues are nearly always skewed anyway. Therefore I hope this blog will someday, again, be able to properly and consistently present teething problems in their essence.

In the meantime, ask me out for coffee if you need a good debate. Heh. I have a four-day academic week. I'm free on Fridays! :) I foresee many long weekend activities hehehe SO HAPPY! :)

A Long-Time Friend

2008-07-25T22:56:00.012+08:00

I spent a good half of today with T, a long-time friend since Primary School. We were in the same class since Primary One! She is a source of seamless conversation and belongs to a friendship that trancends time, like the previous conversation we had was paused for six months and resumed today. It has been paused again and will resume in September when she gets back from Aus.tralia. I like this friendship because we're both quite emotionally independent. She doesn't need me to constantly ask on her, she knows I'm quite consistent with how I live and who I am. We usually pick up conversations retaining an uncanny understanding of how the other party would have lived for the duration of non-contact.

14 years is a long time to have known someone.

I still remember how we were always competing for the best score in English when we were in Primary School. There was this particular examination, and our form teacher had two scripts, one in each hand, rehearsed for maximum impact. T and I sat in our seats with fiery competition in our eyes, I wasn't about to be beat by a girl. She then cleared her throat and announced, "There is only one person who got an A* for English this semester, and that person is ... T with a score of 91! The class applauds. So my teacher walks up to me and and shows me my score. 90. I'll never forget the OMG-ness of that moment.

Mrs Le.e attempted to console me by saying, I tried to look for that extra one mark, but ... maybe next time.

Of all the things to remember about Primary School! (But I usually beat her in everything else AHAHAHA.)

So we both went on to our respective R.affles families, and we did occasionally meet up on random Teacher's Day celebrations, with little or almost no contact inbetween, and talked about the respective boys/girls in our lives, CCAs, exclassmates, exPrimarySchool crushes. (I have no idea where my exPrimarySchool crush is right now. I've tried Facebooking her and so did T but we couldn't find her! We have NO idea where she is HAHA.) It also helped that we were quite involved in sports since Primary School so there was always a mutual friend in the sports circles, or a competition experience to share. So throughout secondary school familiarity was maintained, a pretty much low-upkeep friendship partially aided by our emotionally independent personalities.

Furthermore she went on to R.JC which knitted our social circles together because she then got to know all the R.affles boys which gave us more common topics to maintain this already low-upkeep friendship.

So, she is in her final one and a half years to graduation and is majoring in political science. She unfortunately can't make it for our PrimarySchool Class Gathering on the 1st of August because she is flying back to Aus.tralia tomorrow evening (which is also why I met up with her to catch up today).

We're 21, and guess what we talked about today?

Boys/girls in our lives, prospective careers, exclassmates, exPrimarySchool crushes (HAHA). It is still damn amusing.

I guess the difference is we walked into Borders browsing the aisles and started talking about our favourite titles, authors, genres and styles of writing. We did that for about an hour. Then I asked, what do you think of the Bible? Do you still read it? She replies, Oh of course I read it, what else would I defend my faith by?

I liked that, alot. I like that we were Christians since Primary School, brought up by form teachers with a strong faith, learnt and grew in the same classroom with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and til today, love God and know God.

I'm 21. 14 years is a long time to have known Jesus. He's been a friend for 14 years.

But what if my best friends are those that give me my space for independence?